Healthy Cheesecake and Evil itunes Messages from the Universe

This has been quite a week for me, full of the kind of conversations that stew somewhere in the back of my mind where I've tried in vain to push them over a non existant cliff never to be heard from again. These are the conversations which keep me awake at 4am, when I'm far too honest with myself to be able to push them back into a dark corner and merely roll over and fall asleep. The question of what do I want has been posed multiple times this week, by multiple individuals. Somehow this question has always been the hardest for me to answer, especially to myself. I think perhaps I am afraid to concretely state what I want because I'm too afraid of then not getting it and having to either abandon hope or settle, neither of which are very appealing options. I think I also have this ridiculous fear that if I commit to a statement of want I will be forever stuck with it, even if my wants and needs change. I am afraid of rejection and acceptance simultaneously...how the fuck do I untangle that one?

I want healthy cheesecake, and isn't it theoretically possible that this could exist?

It's too late an hour to blog about this, and I'm physically and emotionally exhausted; I don't want to write, I want to crawl into bed and have the good cry I stupidly won't allow myself to have.

Have I mentioned how much I despise PMS?

And once again (this always happens to me) the lyrics that just played from the random mix on my itunes are oddly in synch with what I'm writing: "I'm so tired, but I can't sleep. Standing on the edge of something much too deep. It's funny how we feel so much but cannot say a word. Though we are screaming inside, we can't be heard." Okay universe, I won;t let my life pass me by nor will I weep for memories, just let me get some fucking sleep.

Great, now it's playing Paul Westerberg "Your heart sends a feeling. It don't ache but baby it's gonna swing from the ceiling, break like a pinata. Break like a whitecap. In the sand you shiver, with eyes like two hubcaps at the bottom of the river." I think it's time to turn this stupid machine off and go knit or something. Blogger should block me from writing at 4am, is there a way to set that up?