Taking Each Moment As It Comes...And Bopping It On the Head
First of all, thanks are definitely in order; your comments are wonderful and you do make it extremely difficult to suffer from a lack of self worth, try as I may. That being said, I am letting things simmer for a little while in my head. I am not rationalizing, feeling sorry for myself, or being anyone's doormat; I am merely taking whatever time I need to process things and figure out where the hell I am and what the hell I am feeling and wanting. And Lady Charon said that was okay to do, so there. Actually, once the pressure to make any sort of a decision right this very second was lifted, I became much more centered. Its been an interesting week to say the least.
First of all, I am very proud of myself that on Tuesday night, when faced with the choice of going out and getting shitfaced sloppy and going home, I chose the latter. This is quite uncharacteristic of me, and might I add, bordering on healthy even. I went home, worked the second job, and did not feel sorry for myself (okay, well not for more than an hour). I am somehow giving myself permission to be whatever jumbled confused mass of contradictions I may stumble upon within the psyche du moment, and it seems to be serving me well. Last night I worked the sdj until pretty late, due to a 2 hour tour with Lady Charon, and then went and met with Mr. Event-In-And-Of-Himself, the event planner that I am doing part time work for to pay the kind of steep ferry toll of Lady Charon. Tonight I helped with a new play reading (I had the unglamorous job of reading stage directions, but was excited to be a part of it and met a lot of really great new people, some of whom I already admired from afar for their excellent work) and then flew to Williamsburg to work the last hour and a half of a Ladies of Liberty Fundraiser then shuffled my by now sorely aching feet to the East Village to pick up my veggies and am finally home.
But oddly enough I'm feeling pretty good. Tired, but not exhausted. Almost a good kind of tired. I feel like I did something today. Actually, I did a lot today. I crisscrossed town about 284 times. I should feel tired for that alone.
This weekend I am going with my friend Ms. Laughing Wild to the mountains to camp and hike in the forecasted miserable rain. While it may not necessarily appear to be, this is part of my newfound clumsy attempts at doing nice things for myself and treating myself well. Last year when I returned from hiking in the Southwest I pledged to explore the outdoor opportunities in my own backyard and get the hell outta dodge more often. Needless to say this pledge suffered the sad fate of so many othe good intentioned ideas of the past; this year I am making it happen. Just watch my proactive ass soar. Contact with the outdoors is a vital component of my own personal lifeforce that has been sorely neglected for the past two years, and I have suffered accordingly. Well that's changing, starting Sunday, damnit. Sunday I will be cold, miserable and wet, but it will be cold, miserable and wet on soft earth rather than unforgiving concrete and that's makes all the difference in the world to me.
Its all about giving yourself little things to look forward to. The next Sunday is My little Vidipookikins' Exhibit and then a TONY party at Mr. Artsy Hotpants' or he's taking me to the Spamalot party. The weekend after that I am going to visit Sarachkah and Raul. This is enough for now. I will take each moment as it comes, search for my own particular murky brand of clarity, and remember that I don't have to do anything but heal and bask in the good moments.
Oh, yeah...sleep, while not a prerequisite is also a pretty good idea too. I think I'll go explore that one right now.
First of all, I am very proud of myself that on Tuesday night, when faced with the choice of going out and getting shitfaced sloppy and going home, I chose the latter. This is quite uncharacteristic of me, and might I add, bordering on healthy even. I went home, worked the second job, and did not feel sorry for myself (okay, well not for more than an hour). I am somehow giving myself permission to be whatever jumbled confused mass of contradictions I may stumble upon within the psyche du moment, and it seems to be serving me well. Last night I worked the sdj until pretty late, due to a 2 hour tour with Lady Charon, and then went and met with Mr. Event-In-And-Of-Himself, the event planner that I am doing part time work for to pay the kind of steep ferry toll of Lady Charon. Tonight I helped with a new play reading (I had the unglamorous job of reading stage directions, but was excited to be a part of it and met a lot of really great new people, some of whom I already admired from afar for their excellent work) and then flew to Williamsburg to work the last hour and a half of a Ladies of Liberty Fundraiser then shuffled my by now sorely aching feet to the East Village to pick up my veggies and am finally home.
But oddly enough I'm feeling pretty good. Tired, but not exhausted. Almost a good kind of tired. I feel like I did something today. Actually, I did a lot today. I crisscrossed town about 284 times. I should feel tired for that alone.
This weekend I am going with my friend Ms. Laughing Wild to the mountains to camp and hike in the forecasted miserable rain. While it may not necessarily appear to be, this is part of my newfound clumsy attempts at doing nice things for myself and treating myself well. Last year when I returned from hiking in the Southwest I pledged to explore the outdoor opportunities in my own backyard and get the hell outta dodge more often. Needless to say this pledge suffered the sad fate of so many othe good intentioned ideas of the past; this year I am making it happen. Just watch my proactive ass soar. Contact with the outdoors is a vital component of my own personal lifeforce that has been sorely neglected for the past two years, and I have suffered accordingly. Well that's changing, starting Sunday, damnit. Sunday I will be cold, miserable and wet, but it will be cold, miserable and wet on soft earth rather than unforgiving concrete and that's makes all the difference in the world to me.
Its all about giving yourself little things to look forward to. The next Sunday is My little Vidipookikins' Exhibit and then a TONY party at Mr. Artsy Hotpants' or he's taking me to the Spamalot party. The weekend after that I am going to visit Sarachkah and Raul. This is enough for now. I will take each moment as it comes, search for my own particular murky brand of clarity, and remember that I don't have to do anything but heal and bask in the good moments.
Oh, yeah...sleep, while not a prerequisite is also a pretty good idea too. I think I'll go explore that one right now.
posted by Le Synge Bleu at 2:03 AM
1 Comments:
Oh, Synge, sounds like you are dong much better :) I hope you have a really peaceful journey.
Ms. Laughing Wild sounds like a really interesting, fun person :D I hope you two have a blast.!!!
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