Synge Arch, a Lesser Known Wonder of My World
Lady Charon is a wise wise womyn and I could not ask for a better guide in my journey. I was shocked to find myself looking forward to seeing her today; looking forward to my time in the ultra-safe space we've created and looking forward to spilling out my guts there - my contaminated trash, as my friend Ms. Creatively Young phrased it in an e-mail response to my post about begining my travels.
We covered a lot of ground today and talked a lot about Mr. Emotionally Unavailable and what I wanted and was ready to do about the situation. I've been letting things simmer and stew, which is how I work best, and have arrived at the conclusion that I have been sustained on a diet of false hope. Sustinance-wise this is about as nutritous as concentration camp watery broth and a few meager crumbs of stale bread. Things will not change and the relationship will not grow; Mr. EU has said this himself on more than one occasion. Lady Charon said last week "When someone tells you who they are, believe them." I may be finally beginning to believe.
Lady Charon also put into words something I had not been previously able to verbalize myself (its amazing how well she gets me). She said that what keeps me going back to Mr. EU are the tiny glimpses of his true and higher self, his vulnerability and openness, that I am allowed to be privy to on rare occasions; she likened it to a camera shutter opening and closing. I was dumbfounded and sat there, mouth agape, shocked at her ability to so consisely encompass exactly what was at the heart of why I do have hope and why I have perservered for so long in this particular emotional desert. She said it was the carrot dangled in front of the tired donkey that keeps it moving, thus the false hope making an ass of me. The false hope is not borne of my own creation, it is encouraged behavior; this is such a relief to know.
She also said that the honesty that I respect and applaud Mr. EU for is false honesty. Honesty is not defining the terms of a relationship based on your fears and stating what you can and cannot give; true honesty is owning up to those fears and sharing what you are afraid of and why and working through it because the other person is so overwhelmingly amazing that they are worth it. After almost a year and a half, I am worthy of true honesty.
Mr. Emotionally Unavailable has told me in no uncertain terms, time and again, exactly who he is and what he is willing to give. It is time for me to listen because I do deserve someone who wants to be with me and only me because they recognize how freakin special I am. I am worthy of that and so much more. I momentarily forgot that and got caught up in someone else's dangling carrot. I can be an ass no longer; the state of assdom is a compromise of my self worth. I do want someone who thinks I am wonderful and wants to be more than an occasional part of my life. I do want someone who loves not likes me back.
I called him back today, finally feeling ready to say what I need to say. We spoke relatively briefly, but I managed to stammer out some of these key points. It was really much harder than I thought, my empowered resolve quivering with every word he uttered. But I am proud of myslef for holding firm. He does care about me and does not want to lose me; this was clear even in the brevity of our discourse. But I kept reminding myself that caring is not loving and not wanting to lose me does not mean willing to give what I am finally acknowledging that I need.
At one point I said "This is really hard, because hearing your voice reminds me..." and he said "How much you like me?" And I said "Well, yes. Of course. You mean a lot to me." He replied "I like you a lot too. You mean a lot to me too. " So I said "Yes, but that's the problem, Mr. EU. Like is not love, and I think I've been confusing the two." "So you mean we're not in love?" he asked, which in hindsight was utterly confusing to hear. "No." I firmly replied. "I mean when you say you like me, I've been confusing that for love." He paused and then cryptically said "Well I guess I've never been to clear on the whole love thing..", the combined effect of this snippet of the conversation thus far sending my false hopes soaring once again. I remembered the carrot and the ass and managed to reign them back in, and said "No, you were actually perfectly clear on the subject. You once told me you were not in love with me and this made you very sad because you wanted to be, but couldn't." He replied, "Well that was very blunt of me." "Yes it was," I agreed.
We ended up agreeing to meet soon to talk about this further, though of course as always no firm plans were made and no time set; while he sounded quite concerned and eager to talk, I am evidently not important enough to plan a time in advance for.
So where am I? While still ridiculously yearning for a carrot I will never get to eat and humiliatingly and foolshly hoping he will suddenly realize that he is in love with me and be willing to give and receive wholly with me and me alone, I am also sad because I know if this is not the case than this is the end. I am worthy of being loved and should not settle for less.
Lady Charon took me on a guided meditation to my higher self; the foundation and core and strength of who I am. I feel almost silly in admitting this except that it was really effective and healing for me. She said that this higher self, this true nature, cannot hate myself because it is the very essence of love itself. It is the place in me where I am whole and undamaged and uncontaminated by violations and tragedies and betrayals of trust. It is the part of me that loves myself exactly as I am. It is where I will eventually be able to draw from to forgive myself for my brother's suicide, as it is the part of myself that does not know of any need for forgiveness as it only sees love and strength and wholeness. It may all sound so very silly and new agey, but it seems to have had such a profound effect on me that both Mr. Artsy Hotpants and Mr. Saucy Funnybuns noticed a huge difference in me tonight on the phone. Lady Charon said that I need to spend more time visiting that place and becoming familiar with it, especially if I begin to feel off balance and am in need of centering and remembering my strength.
I am incredibly strong; this I know with absolute certainty. It is a quiet strength, but an endless reserve that has carried me through many unimaginable and, for some, unlivable nightmares. I tend to lose sight and awareness of it; it is infinitely comforting to know that it is always there because it is indeed a part of my foundation, whether I acknowledge it or not.
I must visit more often.
We covered a lot of ground today and talked a lot about Mr. Emotionally Unavailable and what I wanted and was ready to do about the situation. I've been letting things simmer and stew, which is how I work best, and have arrived at the conclusion that I have been sustained on a diet of false hope. Sustinance-wise this is about as nutritous as concentration camp watery broth and a few meager crumbs of stale bread. Things will not change and the relationship will not grow; Mr. EU has said this himself on more than one occasion. Lady Charon said last week "When someone tells you who they are, believe them." I may be finally beginning to believe.
Lady Charon also put into words something I had not been previously able to verbalize myself (its amazing how well she gets me). She said that what keeps me going back to Mr. EU are the tiny glimpses of his true and higher self, his vulnerability and openness, that I am allowed to be privy to on rare occasions; she likened it to a camera shutter opening and closing. I was dumbfounded and sat there, mouth agape, shocked at her ability to so consisely encompass exactly what was at the heart of why I do have hope and why I have perservered for so long in this particular emotional desert. She said it was the carrot dangled in front of the tired donkey that keeps it moving, thus the false hope making an ass of me. The false hope is not borne of my own creation, it is encouraged behavior; this is such a relief to know.
She also said that the honesty that I respect and applaud Mr. EU for is false honesty. Honesty is not defining the terms of a relationship based on your fears and stating what you can and cannot give; true honesty is owning up to those fears and sharing what you are afraid of and why and working through it because the other person is so overwhelmingly amazing that they are worth it. After almost a year and a half, I am worthy of true honesty.
Mr. Emotionally Unavailable has told me in no uncertain terms, time and again, exactly who he is and what he is willing to give. It is time for me to listen because I do deserve someone who wants to be with me and only me because they recognize how freakin special I am. I am worthy of that and so much more. I momentarily forgot that and got caught up in someone else's dangling carrot. I can be an ass no longer; the state of assdom is a compromise of my self worth. I do want someone who thinks I am wonderful and wants to be more than an occasional part of my life. I do want someone who loves not likes me back.
I called him back today, finally feeling ready to say what I need to say. We spoke relatively briefly, but I managed to stammer out some of these key points. It was really much harder than I thought, my empowered resolve quivering with every word he uttered. But I am proud of myslef for holding firm. He does care about me and does not want to lose me; this was clear even in the brevity of our discourse. But I kept reminding myself that caring is not loving and not wanting to lose me does not mean willing to give what I am finally acknowledging that I need.
At one point I said "This is really hard, because hearing your voice reminds me..." and he said "How much you like me?" And I said "Well, yes. Of course. You mean a lot to me." He replied "I like you a lot too. You mean a lot to me too. " So I said "Yes, but that's the problem, Mr. EU. Like is not love, and I think I've been confusing the two." "So you mean we're not in love?" he asked, which in hindsight was utterly confusing to hear. "No." I firmly replied. "I mean when you say you like me, I've been confusing that for love." He paused and then cryptically said "Well I guess I've never been to clear on the whole love thing..", the combined effect of this snippet of the conversation thus far sending my false hopes soaring once again. I remembered the carrot and the ass and managed to reign them back in, and said "No, you were actually perfectly clear on the subject. You once told me you were not in love with me and this made you very sad because you wanted to be, but couldn't." He replied, "Well that was very blunt of me." "Yes it was," I agreed.
We ended up agreeing to meet soon to talk about this further, though of course as always no firm plans were made and no time set; while he sounded quite concerned and eager to talk, I am evidently not important enough to plan a time in advance for.
So where am I? While still ridiculously yearning for a carrot I will never get to eat and humiliatingly and foolshly hoping he will suddenly realize that he is in love with me and be willing to give and receive wholly with me and me alone, I am also sad because I know if this is not the case than this is the end. I am worthy of being loved and should not settle for less.
Lady Charon took me on a guided meditation to my higher self; the foundation and core and strength of who I am. I feel almost silly in admitting this except that it was really effective and healing for me. She said that this higher self, this true nature, cannot hate myself because it is the very essence of love itself. It is the place in me where I am whole and undamaged and uncontaminated by violations and tragedies and betrayals of trust. It is the part of me that loves myself exactly as I am. It is where I will eventually be able to draw from to forgive myself for my brother's suicide, as it is the part of myself that does not know of any need for forgiveness as it only sees love and strength and wholeness. It may all sound so very silly and new agey, but it seems to have had such a profound effect on me that both Mr. Artsy Hotpants and Mr. Saucy Funnybuns noticed a huge difference in me tonight on the phone. Lady Charon said that I need to spend more time visiting that place and becoming familiar with it, especially if I begin to feel off balance and am in need of centering and remembering my strength.
I am incredibly strong; this I know with absolute certainty. It is a quiet strength, but an endless reserve that has carried me through many unimaginable and, for some, unlivable nightmares. I tend to lose sight and awareness of it; it is infinitely comforting to know that it is always there because it is indeed a part of my foundation, whether I acknowledge it or not.
I must visit more often.
posted by Le Synge Bleu at 11:58 PM
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