The Great Houdini

First of all, all of you who commented both on the blog and via email have given me a lot to think about. My particular modus operendi has always been to let things simmer and stew on their own, and eventually the answer becomes so pungent that it cannot be ignored. You have all given me many ingredients for my personal stew, and thus my plan is to pull a magical disappearring act this weekend in order to let the flavors mix and see what comes of it.

I still have not spoken to Doc Harley since the last conversation I wrote of; I have not contacted him and he has not contacted me. Part of me thinks this is a good thing, as I'm not yet certain of what it is I want to say, and part of me thinks it is a bad tactical move on both our parts. But I need distance right now, in order to adequately evaluate. Perhaps I should inform him of this, rather than just being a missing persons, but at the same time he hasn't afforded me such respect in the past. Juvenile, I know.

Its funny, New York is truly a place in which you can disappear quite easily if you choose to do so - you can become a walking talking invisible ghost. I think I've already begun retreating into myself this week, as I tend to do when feeling particularly fragile; living in the world of my head and sometimes my imagination. Its like a vacation without the travel part. And sometimes, you just need to get away. I've always felt like distance provides perspective that you cannot otherwise achieve in the midst of the tumultuous day to day scramble.

...Stepping back, I suppose.

I'm amazingly even keeled, though, in a weird and completely surprising way. I'm not necessarily depressed and definitely not joyous either, but not exactly numb. I feel like I'm trusting myself to make the right decision when the time comes. Wow, this is new! Kind of exciting, really. Hmmm...trusting myself...it sits well on the tongue and on the gut.

I'm trusting myself.

I like that. I think its a keeper.

Let's hope I can hold onto it.