A Rather Discouraged Purely Factual and Completely Unfunny Update

I know I haven't written about Maman in a long time, and I also know that many people look here to find out the updates instead of asking...and I'm sorry about that. I guess I haven't really been up to the task; I mean there are really only so many ways to say cancer sucks and I want my mother to be healthy and I want my life back. Its hard to write about, and even harder to live. So instead of really doing either, I've mostly been watching movies. Google video and Amazon unbox, I love you. You have numbed and distracted me with loving screens, and for this I will be ever grateful.

The doctors have taken Maman off of the chemo for right now; her poor body could not take it anymore and 2 blood and platelet transfusions a week were way too much on both her body and her state of mind. This is wonderful for quality of life, as she's now able to do a lot more regular life things that she hasn't been able to do in 7 months -simple things such as cooking a meal or driving to the store to pick something up. Daily chores that we take for granted, or even think we may want a respite from. Little things which make up a semblance of a life, and without which we feel helpless and non-existent. This also serves as a much needed break for all of us from the heightened state of panic and constant crisis mode we've been operating under for 7 months. WB and I are spending more time in New York and less time in airports, finding our own life together that we didn't necessarily get a chance to explore. So yes, there are many beautiful and good things to come out of this decision which we had no control over to begin with.

And then there are the dark and gloomy cold hard facts. Maman cannot receive chemo. And this is for an extended period of time - we're talking at least 6 months, if not more. And its not like the cancer's on hiatus too....nope, its working overtime, as its wont to do. Cancer is a workaholic who doesn't take vacations and works weekends and thus gets all the promotions until its Vice President of the entire body. And the really super shitty villainy of it all is that she's still needing platelet transfusions, even without the poison of chemo seeping throughout her veins. The only possible thing one can utter upon hearing that is a useless 13 year old battle cry of That is So Unfair!

Maman just called a few minutes ago to inform me that she's in the hospital yet again waiting for the platelets to arrive. I had so hoped that with this forced break her life could finally be more than one long endless wait, but perhaps that goal was too high.

Yes, I am feeling discouraged. Discouraged and tired and heartbroken. Although, as Maman so wisely put it, at least she's still alive to be waiting for platelets in the hospital.