Synapse Breakdown to the Tune of Cheesy Musical Theatre
I am so very embarassed and ashamed to admit this; I've been listening to Without You and Your Eyes and Goodbye Love from Rent on repeat all day and pining for Mr. Emotionally Unavailable. I think I'm even more embarassed about the fact that I'm actually cheesy enough to be listening to the Rent album than I am about pining for Mr. EU; after all, its perfectly normal to have a hard time letting go of someone after a year and a half, but the Rent album is not exactly a hot commodity. It does remind me a bit of Mr. EU, however, as he used to be a LES squatter and Tompkins Square Park fixture around the time of the squatter's riots. Plus those are great feel sorry for yourself songs.
One would think that it might've been easier to let go after the whole illness scare; especially considering he broke the news by inviting me out for ice cream and when I declined he said "well, I guess I'll have to tell you over the phone then...". I'm not a 6 year old! An ice cream cone doesn't magically make everything better and erase all wrongs! If it did, I'd be a huge cow by now. Gelato, on the other hand, cures all. Especially the gelato in Florence. Mmmmm.
This fresh onslaught of angst was precipitated by two phone calls from Mr. EU last week. He was supposed to be not calling me, as I had requested, so that I could transcend the vicious circle of breaking up and getting back together. I suppose he thought a month enough time to magically fall out of love and for all heartbreak to dissolve, but gee...I guess I somehow missed that stage of development where my insides are sheathed in rubber and I can bounce back without injury at the drop of a hat.
The first call was on the 4th, and he left a message lettting me know both that he called and that it was the fourth of July. Wow, thank god he left that message or I would've been horribly freaked out by the sound of fireworks. See, how can I ever manage without him? Upon receiving no return call he must have been worried...not about my well being, no, more likely worried that he did not have me dangling on a string as before. So he called again Tuesday night, and genius that I am, I picked up the phone; there are 3 people only who come up as "restricted" on my phone because their numbers are unlisted: Mr. Artsy Hotpants, Mr. Emotionally Unavailable, and my neighbot the African Warrior Goddess. I was horrendously sick and wasn't thinking so I picked up the phone expecting it to be MAH. It wasn't. I was so taken aback all I could stammer was are you okay? He graciously let me go at lightning speed upon hearing my half dead froggy voice, dispatching me to go drink copious amounts of tea and to sleep like Rip Van Winkle. I complied, too sick and too shocked to remind him that he wasn't supposed to be calling and that I need more time in solitary confinement.
This, of course, has incited much rumination on Mr. EU and our relationship...more tending towards memories of only the good, of course. Then I have to keep reminding myself that it doiesn't matter how fun it was and how great he is and all the other mushy gushy crap ping ponging through my mind. Why go back to someone who doesn't love you? Its not exactly the most fulfilling of prospects or anything. Yet somehow, somewhere the synapses between my brain and my heart have faultered and the communication just isn't being transmitted as it should. Especially when he freakin calls!
To give him credit, he's calling because he does care and I did say I wanted to remain friends, which I do. But the transition's probably going to be a pretty lengthy one, and I think I need to stay in my cocoon a while longer before my metamorphosis into "friend" is complete. I also evidently need more time in which to have pity parties where the DJ seems to be stuck on the Rent soundtrack, only adding to my patheticness.
Why am I still writing about this schmuck?
One would think that it might've been easier to let go after the whole illness scare; especially considering he broke the news by inviting me out for ice cream and when I declined he said "well, I guess I'll have to tell you over the phone then...". I'm not a 6 year old! An ice cream cone doesn't magically make everything better and erase all wrongs! If it did, I'd be a huge cow by now. Gelato, on the other hand, cures all. Especially the gelato in Florence. Mmmmm.
This fresh onslaught of angst was precipitated by two phone calls from Mr. EU last week. He was supposed to be not calling me, as I had requested, so that I could transcend the vicious circle of breaking up and getting back together. I suppose he thought a month enough time to magically fall out of love and for all heartbreak to dissolve, but gee...I guess I somehow missed that stage of development where my insides are sheathed in rubber and I can bounce back without injury at the drop of a hat.
The first call was on the 4th, and he left a message lettting me know both that he called and that it was the fourth of July. Wow, thank god he left that message or I would've been horribly freaked out by the sound of fireworks. See, how can I ever manage without him? Upon receiving no return call he must have been worried...not about my well being, no, more likely worried that he did not have me dangling on a string as before. So he called again Tuesday night, and genius that I am, I picked up the phone; there are 3 people only who come up as "restricted" on my phone because their numbers are unlisted: Mr. Artsy Hotpants, Mr. Emotionally Unavailable, and my neighbot the African Warrior Goddess. I was horrendously sick and wasn't thinking so I picked up the phone expecting it to be MAH. It wasn't. I was so taken aback all I could stammer was are you okay? He graciously let me go at lightning speed upon hearing my half dead froggy voice, dispatching me to go drink copious amounts of tea and to sleep like Rip Van Winkle. I complied, too sick and too shocked to remind him that he wasn't supposed to be calling and that I need more time in solitary confinement.
This, of course, has incited much rumination on Mr. EU and our relationship...more tending towards memories of only the good, of course. Then I have to keep reminding myself that it doiesn't matter how fun it was and how great he is and all the other mushy gushy crap ping ponging through my mind. Why go back to someone who doesn't love you? Its not exactly the most fulfilling of prospects or anything. Yet somehow, somewhere the synapses between my brain and my heart have faultered and the communication just isn't being transmitted as it should. Especially when he freakin calls!
To give him credit, he's calling because he does care and I did say I wanted to remain friends, which I do. But the transition's probably going to be a pretty lengthy one, and I think I need to stay in my cocoon a while longer before my metamorphosis into "friend" is complete. I also evidently need more time in which to have pity parties where the DJ seems to be stuck on the Rent soundtrack, only adding to my patheticness.
Why am I still writing about this schmuck?
posted by Le Synge Bleu at 2:23 PM
3 Comments:
Marc often reminds me that the word ruminate comes from what cows do to their cud....chew their regurgitated food. Kind of disgusting, really. (But doesn't really stop me from doing it.)
Now why are you announcing that you are pining for Mr. EU when you KNOW that Mr. EU reads your blog? Do you just want to start the whole big mess all over again?
Find someone who treats you well. Life is too short to spend your time pining for people who can't give you what you need.
i actually don't think mr. eu reads my blog anymore; i'm sure he's lost the address. and no, i don't want to start the whole thing over...he already knows i'm pining for him and he knows this is hard. what he doesn't know is that i am resolved in a way i never was before.
i am truly attempting to let go...its different this time. i am finally getting and acknowledging that he can't give me what i need, and won't ever. the pining is an unfortunate by-product of the letting go, and makes it really fucking painful sometimes.
but vix, don't you think if i could magically somehow not pine, i'd do it? its not exactly fun to miss and want someone who doesn't love you and can't give you what you need...that's not exactly my idea of a good time really. i know life is short, and i know he's the worst person in the world for me, and i'm staying away. that is what i can control...the staying away. the feelings that come up are not exactly something that i can just make go away.
Okay. That's certainly true. I should be the first one to admit that it's hard to deny your feelings. You feel what you feel...you just hope that you can control your actions (errrrr.....sometimes....).
It's just frustrating for me to see you waste your time on people who aren't good to you when you deserve so much more! I just think you could find the greatest guy, but I think there's something in you that doesn't feel you're good enough to be happy, to be treated well. And I think that sucks.
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