Grief Stole the Mic

 Today the grief is epic and palpable and my teeth are gritted but I can't seem to move past it. Its engulfing every moment, every task, every breath. And its intimately connected to every past grief, great and small. It feels like the time I was in elementary school and my brother went away to summer camp for 2 weeks and I went into the lonely emptiness of his room and sobbed. It feels like the even bigger empty space he created when he died and left pockets of lonely emptiness everywhere. It feels like the deep longing ache of missing ma p'tite Maman, and wanting to call and cry all of these giant lonely engulfing griefs into her arms until the holes are filled with water and no longer empty but weighted down with love. Because grief tears are love tears. The two always dance together.

I thought maybe writing it down, vomiting it out, would provide some relief. But it hasn't. 

I was trying to think, why now? Why this moment? What is different about today besides the gray and the rain?

We went camping this weekend for the first time in a long time. Its been forever since we've gone this long without a getaway. We had a wonderful time with the dearest of friends, and I felt seen and loved. I've been doing new hard things and challenging myself and the wrong ideas about what I am capable of and finding so much joy in it. I took my little funky monkey to homecoming, and directed their friends in a photo shoot and felt so loved when they told me I was the absolute opposite of embarrassing, and called out loudly "I love you, Mama!" not once, but THREE times. In front of their peers! This is like winning the teenager moments lottery!

So why this deep grief today? Is it because usually I leave the kids at the house when WB is with them and today they left me at the campground? Is it because so much has changed since the last time we went camping and trips are the markers of time for me? Is it just because shit feels more real in this moment?

I always tell the kids joy and grief are always walking hand in hand through every moment of life. And its okay, that's the way life is meant to be. It is so much deeper and more beautiful an experience because of it. Maybe I have just been hyper aware of the joy lately, and grief needed to be heard too.