Mawiage, Fish, and Self Pity on an Estrogen Overload
The wedding bells are ringing ceaselessly. Not for me, of course. In a cruel twist of brilliant comic timing, it just so happens that on Father's Day weekend I have both a wedding and an engagement party to attend in the middle of nowhere Pennsylvania and slightly more towards somewhere but not at all close to New York or Pennsylvania Maryland. All of this joy and happiness directly following the final heartbreaking end to a year and a half relationship, thus confirming my fear that everyone else is worthy of and has found love and I will be mildly funny and entertaining but alone for the rest of my life with only my gay boyfriends to shower pity compliments upon me. Plus this all falls on Father's Day weekend, when I had promised my father I would be home with him because he is important to me and working on building and healing our relationship (a top priority as per Lady Charon) is important to me.
I think at this point I'd just like to spend that weekend hiding on my fire escape.
Well, at least I won't have to worry about the cost of all this misery, like renting a car and hotel room, crisscrossing the Mid-Atlantic in endless hours of driving, and missing half a day on Monday because I will get back home at four o'clock in the morning at the very earliest. That would really suck if I had to load up more onto the credit card to have a pre-salted knife repeatedly stabbed into my heart for 2 days straight.
Okay, before anyone's feelings get unintentionally hurt I should state for the record that I dearly love both of these friends and couldn't be happier for them. I do want to share in their happiness and let them know that I am supportive of their choices of spouses to be, and thrilled that they have found their bliss with another human being. I truly am so very excited for them, and honored to be a part of the celebrations. I am ever thankful for their love and support of me (and their understanding of feelings such as these) and will always be happy to love and support them.
Except in this particular female-hormone influenced moment I seem to be having at present.
In this moment I am bitterly doing backstroke laps across the lake of self pity and the sky looks as if its about to thunderstorm.
And I think there are fish in the lake.
I'm terrified of fish.
And Father's Day weekend.
I think at this point I'd just like to spend that weekend hiding on my fire escape.
Well, at least I won't have to worry about the cost of all this misery, like renting a car and hotel room, crisscrossing the Mid-Atlantic in endless hours of driving, and missing half a day on Monday because I will get back home at four o'clock in the morning at the very earliest. That would really suck if I had to load up more onto the credit card to have a pre-salted knife repeatedly stabbed into my heart for 2 days straight.
Okay, before anyone's feelings get unintentionally hurt I should state for the record that I dearly love both of these friends and couldn't be happier for them. I do want to share in their happiness and let them know that I am supportive of their choices of spouses to be, and thrilled that they have found their bliss with another human being. I truly am so very excited for them, and honored to be a part of the celebrations. I am ever thankful for their love and support of me (and their understanding of feelings such as these) and will always be happy to love and support them.
Except in this particular female-hormone influenced moment I seem to be having at present.
In this moment I am bitterly doing backstroke laps across the lake of self pity and the sky looks as if its about to thunderstorm.
And I think there are fish in the lake.
I'm terrified of fish.
And Father's Day weekend.
posted by Le Synge Bleu at 7:13 PM
2 Comments:
Ha ha. I know nothing about jealousy toward happy fucking friends. (Although...if they are married or close to it you can bet there is not much fucking going on...)
I'm just going to lecture you a bit. I really shouldn't. It's obnoxious. But it's an attempt to build up your ego. See, there is no reason that you cannot have a happy relationship and find a good person whom you would ultimately like to marry (and who would ultimately like to marry you). You are not destined to be a fag hag. You are pretty. Have a good body (I wrote "baby" at first, Nane...ha ha freudian slip...). You're smart. Kind. Don't have an annoying laugh.
The problem here is that you keep dating ASSHOLES!!!!!! It's not you. It's them. Well, it is you, because you keep choosing them. But you could find a decent (meaning thoughtful and all around okay human being without too much horrendous baggage) guy any day of the week if you would just decide to stop dating mean who are innapropriate.
This is scary, and may feel very wrong at first. But why not take a risk and give it a try? Why not take a look around at that nice guy and just give him a shot. What could it hurt?
Okay. Lecture is over. Feel free to harass me now. You know I'm perfect.
Oh yeah...that was "men" and not "mean." But sometimes they are one and the same, eh.
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