Humiliation or Only Synge Would Do Such a Thing!

Dear Goddess! I am fool! Worse yet I am a fool with a phone - a fool with a phone that has text messaging capabilities.

Dear Goddess! I am not only a fool, but a coward as well. A foolish coward who should not own a cell phone with text messging capabilities, unless I have the maturity, intelligence, and prudence to know when it is not appropriate to use said feature.

You already know where this is going, right? Must I confess my stupidity? Can I not just leave my shame unspoken?

This morning Doc Harley was being so incredibly loving and wonderful and I was just completely overcome with the urge to tell him how I felt. Being a social idiot however, what came out of my mouth was "Would you freak out if I told you, ummm...ummm" [insert look of terror, stutterring, blushing, and all other innapropriate behavior imaginable on my part]. He then pulled me to him and kissed me. Then he said "Tell me what?" and I froze. In a truly great acting feat I became a deer caught in the headlights; I felt it, man. It was honest and real. I connected with that deer feeling hard core, man. Finally, when it became clear that the speech center of my brain was unable to command my breath and vocal chords and mouth to comply, DH said "Why don't you text message me later what you wanted to say, okay?"

Umm, okay! Yeah! Text messaging! The coward's route! I won't have to see his face when I say it!

It seemed like a brilliant idea at the time. And best of all, I was given permission to use such an impersonal medium! Granted, that permission was given with no knowledge of what was to come.

So on the subway home to change before going into the sdj I composed a text message and pressed the resend in digital, before I had a chance to woos out completely.

What the fuck was I thinking? Who the hell tells someone they're in love with them via text message? I complete social invalid, that's who!

The message read as follows:

I've wanted 2 say this but i've been afraid. so i'm taking yor suggestion,
cowardly tho it may be. u don't need 2 respond. i am in love w/ you. i just
wanted u 2 know.

Not only am I a social invalid, but I'm a horrifically poor writer as well. In my defense, however, I will say that you are very limited in the number of characters you can use in text messaging, so economization was in order.

When I got to my apartment, the freak out was naturally in full force. Thank goddess that my roomate, The Lone Star Talent, was there to apply soothing balm on the self-inflicted wounds I imagined to be covering the remaining shreds of my ego. I decided that I needed to spend an hour with her more than I needed that measely $10 from the sdj, and we had coffee and waffles while screaming about what glorious freakazoids men are and how ridiculous some of our reactions can be. At one point she ran into my room to prevent me from adding insult to injury by writing and sending another text message reading "Umm, ha ha? Just kidding. I take it all back." (or something equally as inane - I hadn't fully thought through the process, which seems to be a pattern, no?)

Of course he has not responded. How do you respond to a text message like that? Who the hell sends text messages like that? And of course my stomach is doing backflips and flying trapeze tricks in its own personal version of internal organ Cirque du Soliel, while my mind is frantically spurting out frightening subvocals and sentence fragments and primal screams echoing in my clearly brainless head.

And its already done! I can't undo it!

Can you think of a more ridiculous way to drop such an emotional bomb on someone? If so, please chime in to lessen my snowballing humiliation before I lose the ability to laugh at myself...thankfully, right now, I'm still seeing this as slightly funny even amidst the throes of nausea.