When Everyone Adores the Man You're Dating it Makes You a Paranoid Freak
Being the womym who has generally been perpetually alone or in mostly sex based relationships (when I was in my early twenties I was the queen of the convenient arrangement), its completely alien to me to suddenly be part of a "we". And it totally snuck up on me! There I was, going about my business, and wham! Suddenly I'm part of a "we" and my poor cat thinks I've forsaken her. Suddenly we're hanging out with my friends, and we're inviting them to the Catskills this weekend.
I feel like I've entered the dating twighlight zone. There's no crazy drama, no games whatsoever, just my ridiculous insecurities and this new entity of "we" that just sort of happened when I wasn't looking. I know I tend to be on the spacey side, but damn! How can your life suddenly change so completely and yet the moment of change is wholly undefinable?
Its so weird to suddenly be a part of a couple. Its so weird to do everyday normal life things with someone else. Its so weird to see someone just about every day (or night, rather).
I have a drawer in his dresser. And it has clothes in it. Aaaahhh!
Friday night, as we were walking to his apartment, an Irish tourist stopped him in the street and asked Doc Harley where some bar was; he didn't know so he called information to try and find it for the guy. The drunken Irishman was shocked by the action, and turned to me and said "Do you know how lucky you are to be with this man? You've found the nicest man in New York City."
On Saturday night, we were at the wedding of a friend of his, and every little old lady there was telling me how lucky I was to be with him. He found out that this couple I was talking to was planning on taking the train back into the city to their hotel and he insisted that we give them a ride. He's just that kind of guy.
Strangers to both of us keep telling me how lucky I am to be with this man. Do yuo have any idea how much that scares the shit out of me? Yeah, I found a treasure...a treasure that can disappear at any moment. A treasure I can drive away with my crazy insecurities at any moment. Because I am starting to get really scared by how much I like this guy, and how much I like being part of this "we".
Mr. Artsy Hotpants met Doc Harley, and loved him. He loved him so much, he has now gushed twice on the phone about how much he loved him. And when I told DH how well MAH did on his LSAT, he said "So are we doing something to celebrate?"
He invited MAH and SL2000 to come out to the Ctaskills with us! I've never dated someone who wanted to even meet my friends, much less invite them along to do things with us.
MAH said that I desperately need to relax, and just go with the flow. He said clearly this guy likes me, and I should just relax and enjoy. In other words, enough with the raging insecurities already!
So much easier said than done.
Its great advice, but incredibly hard to follow through on. I'm trying to learn to be good about talking about these issues as they come with the good Doc, and so far he's great about listening to them. He's just so clinical and logical and I'm so overdramatic that its difficult. I don't want to hear that my issues are stemming from anxiety, and that if it wasn't one thing it would be another. I know that, I just don't want to admit that. I want to hear that I'm the most incredible human on the planet and I want to hear it ad nauseum. I want to be coddled, and he's not the coddling type. He listens, he cares, but he's a fix-it kind of guy who wants to find solutions and i don't want solutions. I want to be ridiculous and immature and overdramatic. He does give me reassurance, but he gives it and expects me to hear it and accept it. And that's so hard to do.
How do you relax, in a foreign land where everything is new and you're scared of getting lost?
Why have I suddenly become so needy and insecure?
I keep calling Orphannie and Sarachkah, desperately seeking relationship advice from those with far more experience than myself. I feel reassured for an hour or two and then I get all scared again.
I'm terrified I'm going to fuck this up.
I feel like I've entered the dating twighlight zone. There's no crazy drama, no games whatsoever, just my ridiculous insecurities and this new entity of "we" that just sort of happened when I wasn't looking. I know I tend to be on the spacey side, but damn! How can your life suddenly change so completely and yet the moment of change is wholly undefinable?
Its so weird to suddenly be a part of a couple. Its so weird to do everyday normal life things with someone else. Its so weird to see someone just about every day (or night, rather).
I have a drawer in his dresser. And it has clothes in it. Aaaahhh!
Friday night, as we were walking to his apartment, an Irish tourist stopped him in the street and asked Doc Harley where some bar was; he didn't know so he called information to try and find it for the guy. The drunken Irishman was shocked by the action, and turned to me and said "Do you know how lucky you are to be with this man? You've found the nicest man in New York City."
On Saturday night, we were at the wedding of a friend of his, and every little old lady there was telling me how lucky I was to be with him. He found out that this couple I was talking to was planning on taking the train back into the city to their hotel and he insisted that we give them a ride. He's just that kind of guy.
Strangers to both of us keep telling me how lucky I am to be with this man. Do yuo have any idea how much that scares the shit out of me? Yeah, I found a treasure...a treasure that can disappear at any moment. A treasure I can drive away with my crazy insecurities at any moment. Because I am starting to get really scared by how much I like this guy, and how much I like being part of this "we".
Mr. Artsy Hotpants met Doc Harley, and loved him. He loved him so much, he has now gushed twice on the phone about how much he loved him. And when I told DH how well MAH did on his LSAT, he said "So are we doing something to celebrate?"
He invited MAH and SL2000 to come out to the Ctaskills with us! I've never dated someone who wanted to even meet my friends, much less invite them along to do things with us.
MAH said that I desperately need to relax, and just go with the flow. He said clearly this guy likes me, and I should just relax and enjoy. In other words, enough with the raging insecurities already!
So much easier said than done.
Its great advice, but incredibly hard to follow through on. I'm trying to learn to be good about talking about these issues as they come with the good Doc, and so far he's great about listening to them. He's just so clinical and logical and I'm so overdramatic that its difficult. I don't want to hear that my issues are stemming from anxiety, and that if it wasn't one thing it would be another. I know that, I just don't want to admit that. I want to hear that I'm the most incredible human on the planet and I want to hear it ad nauseum. I want to be coddled, and he's not the coddling type. He listens, he cares, but he's a fix-it kind of guy who wants to find solutions and i don't want solutions. I want to be ridiculous and immature and overdramatic. He does give me reassurance, but he gives it and expects me to hear it and accept it. And that's so hard to do.
How do you relax, in a foreign land where everything is new and you're scared of getting lost?
Why have I suddenly become so needy and insecure?
I keep calling Orphannie and Sarachkah, desperately seeking relationship advice from those with far more experience than myself. I feel reassured for an hour or two and then I get all scared again.
I'm terrified I'm going to fuck this up.
posted by Le Synge Bleu at 9:56 AM
7 Comments:
Ok, just to be clear. I LOVE Doc Harley! Was he serious about the Catskills? Will I have to sleep outside or do something nature-y? I did say that it was ironic that I, king of the OCD, would tell you to relax. He likes you. You know he likes you and I know he likes you. He likes your independence, your strong opinions, your integrity, your intelligence, you sensitivity and passion and, I'm guessing, your chocha (had to work my new favorite word in there). You know that. Just be yourself. That's what he liked to begin with.
MAH
oh yes, he's totally serious about the catskills. in fact SL2000 can't go and i was just telling him that on the phone, and he was like "are you sure? she can't make all the stuff up in the country?" and don't worry, its cushy - meaning its in a huge country house, no camping or anything. and if you bring your LSAT book, i'm sure the 2 of you can go to town with all your logical thinking games while i vomit at the mere thought of the questions contained therein. you know he's now going to take the LSAT just for the hell of it. you've created a monster.
all of this is fantastic news- congratulations! not that i don't trust your opinion (i mean, what reason would i have to think that some guy you describe as great might actually be an asshole?) but it makes me feel even better to keep finding out that all of your friends love this guy too. and MAH is one discerning observer. i can't wait to meet him (hint hint- get your rich boyfriend to fly you to chicago!!).
i agree with MAH- he likes you, you like him, so just go with the flow. make that your mantra- gowiththeflowgowiththeflowgowiththeflow. though, at the same time, as i told you on the phone, i think it is totally natural to feel this kind of anxiety in the beginning phases of a relationship. hell- i still freak out on J and ask him if he really likes me every now and then, and we're getting married in eight months. i think that some of us just have a hard time trusting that people won't leave (one way or the other), and the best that we can hope for is a partner who is patient and reassuring and loves us despite our quirky insecurities. sounds like you have one of those- i would indeed count yourself as lucky (and very very deserving).
Remember you are still in the begining stages of the "we". The intensity of things change as infatuation gives in to real love. Don't let that freak you out either. It's great that you guys already talk about your anxiety. I've had too many girlfriends that don't talk about it and end up totally wigging out over something stupid.
Keep being yourself. That is what he likes about you.
You know, I felt this way when I first started dating Marc. I know that was a long time ago, but I was so used to proving myself to guys...trying to be something that I wasn't because I didn't think they would really like me if they knew me. It was actually a very scary and uncomfortable feeling for him to like me just for me. And everything was so calm and nice. I didn't know what to do with that. I was so used to drama.
So I think this is a really good thing! I'm so happy that you are feeling happy!
when i met justin, i knew in about five seconds that this was it, and it scared the shit out of me. i am historically a leaver. my parents moved on average every two years when i was growing up, and then that's what i did throughout my 20s. i always had a new job offer, and i took just about every one of them that took me to a new city, because it was a handy way to walk away from relationships before they went sour.
but because i knew i wanted to spend the rest of my life with justin, i toughed it out. i talked to him (endlessly) about my urge to run, so he could hold me accountable. we've been together 5.5 years now, married for 2.5, have two dead babies together; i love him more than ever, and i still think every day about leaving. but i'm still here, facing down the demon every day, because he is worth it.
You are able to verbalize so much of what I feel...have felt, in my current state, it was cathartic to read this. You is my SISTAH!
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