Deposition Hell or Stop Yelling at Me Please If You Want Me to Answer Your Fucking Questions!
Yesterday I met the man upon whom I am certain all derogatory lawyer jokes are based. I had my 50-H hearing with one of the city's many defense attorneys, at which I was deposed concerning my claim against the city. This is standard procedure, and everyone involved in the class action lawsuit has to do these. I met with my fabulous lawyer, The Godfather of Civil Liberties, beforehand and he explained that this was my chance to tell my story and not to be concerned, as there were no right or wrong answers. The truth was the best answer to give, he assured me, as I am the victim and the purpose of the hearing is for the defense to get a handle on the nature and extent of my claim against them. This was lovely and comforting and ultimately completely inapplicable from the second The Uber Ass entered the antiseptic conference room.
The Uber Ass had not done a 50-H hearing before and was filling in for other lawyers, thus he rigidly followed the scripted guidelines laid out before him and became a flustered jackass on the attack whenever he felt his script was being strayed from. He repeatedly yelled out me for the grievous and oh-so-impeding offense of rephrasing and repeating the question within my answer. First of all, I was not wholly aware that this is my habit, but it makes total sense as I am slightly hearing impaired and probably assumed the habit to prevent misunderstanding. Aside from evidently annoying the hell out of The Uber Ass, I do not see how this practice in any way obstructed him from doing his job; still he felt the need to severely admonish me every 5 seconds in the exasperated tone of someone being forced to deal with a retarded monkey. He kept saying "It is a yes or no question! Please just respond yes or no! It is not necessary to repeat my question every time you answer!" Evidently he was so severely disturbed on behalf of the court stenographer, who was forced to take down every word uttered (and was quite nonplussed by my grievous offense). If he was so concerned about the transcript, perhaps he shouldn't have taken such pains to ensure his assholedom would come across so blatantly.
The questions were also phrased in confusing and vague ways, and when I would ask for him to elaborate he would become very angry with me, as if I was intentionally trying to be as much of an impediment to the process as possible, when in actuality I was merely trying to answer the fucking questions and get the hell out of there, just as he was. Some examples include questions such as "What were you doing before the incident on August 31st?" Well that depends, what the fuck is the incident? The march or my arrest or what? So not knowing what he was referring to, I replied, "Working.", which despite having been assured by The Godfather of Civil Liberties that there were no wrong answers, certainly seemed to be quite the wrong answer. The Uber Ass's face seemed to run the entire color spectrum of reddish hues, and he bellowed at me, "I wasn't asking you what you were doing that day, or that week or that month! I'm asking what you were doing just prior to the incident!" Well then perhaps you should have been more specific in your fucking question fuckwad! This example was pretty much the tone of the entire deposition, peppered of course with frustrated yelling regarding the phrasing of my answers to yes or no questions. Another of my favorites was "What is the nature of your therapy?" Umm, hi, what is the nature of your question? I said "I'm sorry, I don't understand the question...", the exasperated clarification of which turned out to be a louder and brusquer repetition of the question phrased the exact same way. Wow, thanks for that enlightening help there, buddy.
Of course I was so angry, frustrated, and flustered by the constant attack, that even if The Uber Ass had not interrupted me every time I attempted to answer one of the questions, I would not have felt comfortable in my ability to speak with any semblance of coherence (or composure for that matter). Luckily The Godfather has assured me that it is not a big deal that I was not able to respond fully to any question, as this only hurts the defense and has no negative bearing on our case. He agreed that The Uber Ass indeed had something up said ass, and instantly made me feel much less of a lobotomized leper than when I exited the conference room.
Why can't all lawyers be like The Godfather, who I cannot ever imagine treating anyone with anything other than the deepest of respect?
The one bright spot of the hellish ordeal was that I am one of The Godfather's favorite clients! He said he had 50-H hearings with his 4 favorite RNC clients this week, and I felt so proud to be included in this category. At the end of the day, I would certainly much rather have the respect of this man, for whom I have infinite respect and admiration, than some jerk off who gets his kicks intimidating others in his lifelong pseudo power trip.
But damn was it frustrating and unnerving.
I suppose it was a good lesson, and now I can be better prepared and know more what to expect in my interactions with the wrong side of the law (that would be the city's side).
The Uber Ass had not done a 50-H hearing before and was filling in for other lawyers, thus he rigidly followed the scripted guidelines laid out before him and became a flustered jackass on the attack whenever he felt his script was being strayed from. He repeatedly yelled out me for the grievous and oh-so-impeding offense of rephrasing and repeating the question within my answer. First of all, I was not wholly aware that this is my habit, but it makes total sense as I am slightly hearing impaired and probably assumed the habit to prevent misunderstanding. Aside from evidently annoying the hell out of The Uber Ass, I do not see how this practice in any way obstructed him from doing his job; still he felt the need to severely admonish me every 5 seconds in the exasperated tone of someone being forced to deal with a retarded monkey. He kept saying "It is a yes or no question! Please just respond yes or no! It is not necessary to repeat my question every time you answer!" Evidently he was so severely disturbed on behalf of the court stenographer, who was forced to take down every word uttered (and was quite nonplussed by my grievous offense). If he was so concerned about the transcript, perhaps he shouldn't have taken such pains to ensure his assholedom would come across so blatantly.
The questions were also phrased in confusing and vague ways, and when I would ask for him to elaborate he would become very angry with me, as if I was intentionally trying to be as much of an impediment to the process as possible, when in actuality I was merely trying to answer the fucking questions and get the hell out of there, just as he was. Some examples include questions such as "What were you doing before the incident on August 31st?" Well that depends, what the fuck is the incident? The march or my arrest or what? So not knowing what he was referring to, I replied, "Working.", which despite having been assured by The Godfather of Civil Liberties that there were no wrong answers, certainly seemed to be quite the wrong answer. The Uber Ass's face seemed to run the entire color spectrum of reddish hues, and he bellowed at me, "I wasn't asking you what you were doing that day, or that week or that month! I'm asking what you were doing just prior to the incident!" Well then perhaps you should have been more specific in your fucking question fuckwad! This example was pretty much the tone of the entire deposition, peppered of course with frustrated yelling regarding the phrasing of my answers to yes or no questions. Another of my favorites was "What is the nature of your therapy?" Umm, hi, what is the nature of your question? I said "I'm sorry, I don't understand the question...", the exasperated clarification of which turned out to be a louder and brusquer repetition of the question phrased the exact same way. Wow, thanks for that enlightening help there, buddy.
Of course I was so angry, frustrated, and flustered by the constant attack, that even if The Uber Ass had not interrupted me every time I attempted to answer one of the questions, I would not have felt comfortable in my ability to speak with any semblance of coherence (or composure for that matter). Luckily The Godfather has assured me that it is not a big deal that I was not able to respond fully to any question, as this only hurts the defense and has no negative bearing on our case. He agreed that The Uber Ass indeed had something up said ass, and instantly made me feel much less of a lobotomized leper than when I exited the conference room.
Why can't all lawyers be like The Godfather, who I cannot ever imagine treating anyone with anything other than the deepest of respect?
The one bright spot of the hellish ordeal was that I am one of The Godfather's favorite clients! He said he had 50-H hearings with his 4 favorite RNC clients this week, and I felt so proud to be included in this category. At the end of the day, I would certainly much rather have the respect of this man, for whom I have infinite respect and admiration, than some jerk off who gets his kicks intimidating others in his lifelong pseudo power trip.
But damn was it frustrating and unnerving.
I suppose it was a good lesson, and now I can be better prepared and know more what to expect in my interactions with the wrong side of the law (that would be the city's side).
posted by Le Synge Bleu at 6:23 PM
4 Comments:
Ew, I think you picked a fitting name for that lawyer!! Gosh, what the hell was he thinking?? I have always been taught that it is good practice to re-state the question with your answer, to be sure that everything is clear, you know?? Jeez, I wouldn't sweat that guy- you said he's just a stand-in, right? Well, I can't see anything wrong with how you were answering anything, and I think that if he wants to ask unclear questions it is completely fair for you to ask for clarification!!
Ugh!! (*sympathetic-disgust*) who **IS** this guy?!?!
I am also suing the city and was looking for an answer as to when the deposition was after the 50h hearing when I found you. OMG I love your attitude I needed to laugh and well, your page had me hysterical.
So now that I got that out of the way.. when is the deposition compared to the 50h hearing is it months or years later or what?
I had my 50h hearing in January of 2007, and no sign of any more movement.
Louise
I am a court stenographer, and I am so sorry that your hearing was the hearing from hell, but I'm afraid to tell you, most attorneys are like that. Here's a tip, because your 50-H Hearing is just the beginning of your case...you still have to do an examination under oath, and possibly an examination before trial if the City wants to go to trial. Try not to repeat the question out loud. Say it to yourself, and then give your answer, because when you repeat the question in your answer it's a sign of hesitation, and to an attorney that means you're probably lying. In the normal world, you're probably trying to understand what the attorney is asking you. In the world of law, that's forestalling and lying. Attorneys think everyone is lying, except for their client. I hope this was helpful.
Ahh, I had a similar encounter, but rather than call the uberass a fucking idiot, ask better questions, I said "don't be such a touch-hole, ask better questions". Uber ass went ballistic, insisting "touch hole" was an obscenity. Many tense minutes were spent on the concept. (I later explained to my lawyer, the term is where being "touchy" is derived. Touch hole is the hole used to introduce a spark to a musket charge." and an insult from a few centuries back.
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