Welcome to my Cheesy Horror Movie
Sometimes nightmares and scary movies have a fake-out ending, where you think everything is finally going to be okay and you can maybe begin to breathe and then you open the door and wham! there's someone with an axe waiting to sink it into your skull or the dead person suddenly revives for one last fight. This is always the point in the nightmare or scary movie where I shriek uncontrollably in grating high pitched tones clutching desperately at the nearest body and attempt to hide under their shirt.
This is my life.
Mr. Emotionally Unavailable sprung out from hiding last night, axe in hand, ready to hack a completely unsuspecting me into a macabre and slightly pretentious contemporary art exhibit.
He had called Monday, just wanting to know how I was and say hi, and saying he didn't know if that was okay or not. I didn't know if it was okay or not, but I knew that it was definitely hard to hear his voice. I kept repeating my mantra of "He doesn't love me. He doesn't love me" like a horribly depressing country music refrain, desperate to keep the floodwaters of false hope damned. I spoke with Lady Charon about it at length on Wednesday, and she said it was pretty impossible to suddenly transition into being just friends at the blink of an eye. She suggested that I spend some time away from him, without comunication, in order to break the cycle of repeated misery I've been in. The cycle thus far has been I'm miserable with him, as he can't give me what I need, so we break up and then I'm miserable without him, so I run back to his bed and into the same hamster wheel. She said the only way to break the cycle was to rise above it; to transcend it. I, of course, was reticent to make such a firm break, temporary as it may be. I have a fear of cutting people out of my life...of letting go to such an extent; there's a sense of finality about it that seems a bit to much like death. But she's right. If I am to break the cycle I do need time away from a constant reminder of all that I love about him. And I need to be away from the temptation.
Last night I finally mustered the courage to tell him this, which was no easy task and hurt immensely to say. He asked if I was in his neighborhood or was going to be; I replied that I was not and that I didn't think it was a good idea if we saw eachother. I explained why and he seemed to understand. Then he pulled out the surprise chainsaw and produced a hockey mask from thin air. He told me that he had wanted to tell me this in person, but as I did not want to see him he was forced to tell me on the phone. While he was in Paraguay he stayed in shantytowns several times, wanting to live as the locals did. Shantytowns are not the cleanest of places and illnesses run rampant. Evidently while he was there he was exposed to a particular illness, as indicated by blood work, and thus I was exposed as well.
Ummm, WHAT THE FUCK??!!!???
The chances that I am ill are very slim. All his test results indicate is that he was exposed - he most likely is immune. It has been over two months and I have absolutely no symptoms whatsoever other than fatigue, and the fact that I never sleep most likely contributes to the appearance of that particular symptom. Still, now I have to go, without health insurance mind you, and get a battery of tests done as well as an immunization shot.
Not to mention the fucking fear and mental stress of it all!!
I was freaking out beyond belief last night. I am much calmer now, though I am most definitely angry. I know he had no idea and was not intentionally trying to harm me, but his actions put me at risk for bodily harm. He, knowingly or not, put me in the line of fire, and that hurts. That hurts because its yet another betrayal of trust. I gave him my love and my body; he honored neither, and harmed the former by not loving me back but perpetuating false hope, and the latter by putting me at risk for contracting an illness. When do the indignities end?
This is my life.
Mr. Emotionally Unavailable sprung out from hiding last night, axe in hand, ready to hack a completely unsuspecting me into a macabre and slightly pretentious contemporary art exhibit.
He had called Monday, just wanting to know how I was and say hi, and saying he didn't know if that was okay or not. I didn't know if it was okay or not, but I knew that it was definitely hard to hear his voice. I kept repeating my mantra of "He doesn't love me. He doesn't love me" like a horribly depressing country music refrain, desperate to keep the floodwaters of false hope damned. I spoke with Lady Charon about it at length on Wednesday, and she said it was pretty impossible to suddenly transition into being just friends at the blink of an eye. She suggested that I spend some time away from him, without comunication, in order to break the cycle of repeated misery I've been in. The cycle thus far has been I'm miserable with him, as he can't give me what I need, so we break up and then I'm miserable without him, so I run back to his bed and into the same hamster wheel. She said the only way to break the cycle was to rise above it; to transcend it. I, of course, was reticent to make such a firm break, temporary as it may be. I have a fear of cutting people out of my life...of letting go to such an extent; there's a sense of finality about it that seems a bit to much like death. But she's right. If I am to break the cycle I do need time away from a constant reminder of all that I love about him. And I need to be away from the temptation.
Last night I finally mustered the courage to tell him this, which was no easy task and hurt immensely to say. He asked if I was in his neighborhood or was going to be; I replied that I was not and that I didn't think it was a good idea if we saw eachother. I explained why and he seemed to understand. Then he pulled out the surprise chainsaw and produced a hockey mask from thin air. He told me that he had wanted to tell me this in person, but as I did not want to see him he was forced to tell me on the phone. While he was in Paraguay he stayed in shantytowns several times, wanting to live as the locals did. Shantytowns are not the cleanest of places and illnesses run rampant. Evidently while he was there he was exposed to a particular illness, as indicated by blood work, and thus I was exposed as well.
Ummm, WHAT THE FUCK??!!!???
The chances that I am ill are very slim. All his test results indicate is that he was exposed - he most likely is immune. It has been over two months and I have absolutely no symptoms whatsoever other than fatigue, and the fact that I never sleep most likely contributes to the appearance of that particular symptom. Still, now I have to go, without health insurance mind you, and get a battery of tests done as well as an immunization shot.
Not to mention the fucking fear and mental stress of it all!!
I was freaking out beyond belief last night. I am much calmer now, though I am most definitely angry. I know he had no idea and was not intentionally trying to harm me, but his actions put me at risk for bodily harm. He, knowingly or not, put me in the line of fire, and that hurts. That hurts because its yet another betrayal of trust. I gave him my love and my body; he honored neither, and harmed the former by not loving me back but perpetuating false hope, and the latter by putting me at risk for contracting an illness. When do the indignities end?
posted by Le Synge Bleu at 12:55 PM
3 Comments:
Jesus H. Christ. I mean...what else can I say? Obviously, I hope that you aren't infected with whatever this illness is (expect an e-mail from me momentarily).
DAMN..... talk about when it rains, it pours.... Keeping my fingers crossed in the hopes that you are spared any lingering effects of unsaid illness... Talk about a buzzkill...
Yeah, GRRRR, what the F---?!?! What the HELL was he thinking?? I agree that you should cut him off from any contact (even the occasional phonecall) entirely. I relate to how difficult that is, but in my experience I've thought that to be the easier route...
As for this new news- Ugh! He knew he had been exposed and as a responsible FXCking human being should have been meticulously cautious not to expose Anyone else, ESPECIALLY you!
I really hope you're healthy, too, Synge.
::hugs::
sGroovy
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