Forward Motion; Growth

I appreciate everyone's sweet concerned comments, but the thing is that two people I love were hurt by my actions (or lack of). I can't say that's invalid - they're hurt, and that's completely valid, and they're hurt because of me. I have to take responsibility for that and own up to that. No, it certainly wasn't intentional, but that doesn't miraculously take away their hurt. I wish it did.

I apologized to both, one in conversation and the other in a voice mail message. That's all I can do - that and try to be better in the future. But i can't take it back and erase it from ever having happened and that's hard to accept.

I can't stand the idea that someone's hurting because of me.

But I let go of the self hatred I was wallowing in yesterday. The self hatred doesn't solve anything either. It just gave me more internal bruises that I don't need. And I am proud of myself for letting go of that.

One of the friends actually wrote me a very sweet note saying "staying mad or upset isn't an option for me and feeling shitty and ashamed is not an option for you. so we have cleared the air, now let's move forward." I thought a lot about that statement last night, and he's right. It doesn't honor the friendship or either party to hold on to either emotional state. It took me a while, but I finally got it.

Thank you oh wise one, you are right.

There's a great passage I remember from Yom Kippur services at my new agey synongogue. Yom Kippur is part of the high holidays celebrations marking the Jewish new year. It begins with Rosh Hashanah, where you usher in the new year, and ends with Yom Kippur, which is the day of atonement, wherein you atone for the transgressions made against others and yourself and promise to try harder. The time in between the two holidays is devoted to honestly looking within and kind of evaluating what changes need to made this year in order to be a better person. The passage basically says "I've tried. I wasn't completely successful. I've failed on some counts. I am human. I will try harder." That is a lot of what Yom Kippur is about. Its an honest journey inward, with the end goal of moving forward; its not about punishment, its about enabling the most growth possible.

I am not religious at all. I believe sprirtuality to be a wholly personal endeavor, and religion is a cultural phenomenon, not a spiritual one. For myself, at least; for some, they can find both in one place. Judaism has always been more of a cultural thing for me; its my roots, my heritage. But sometimes there are things like this that I remember that just make sense in terms of how I think life should be lived. I heard that passage every year for most of my life, and its only now that its beginning to make sense to me.

So...

I tried.
I was not completely successful.
I failed on some counts.
I am human.
I will try harder.