Wherein I Am Reduced to a Snivelling Pathetic Blob of Anti - Female Empowerment
Just when I think I'm doing really well...just when I think I might even begin to be proud of myself for my honoring of my self respect....just when I might have fooled myself into thinking that I'm actually getting over him, guess who comes out of the woodwork and calls. I'll give you one guess and tell you that the initials stand for a unified continent who's monetary value is the euro.
The voice mail message is as follows: "Hey Synge, It's Mr. Emotionally Unavailable, and umm, yeah...if you don't feel like calling me back I understand, but I was just wondering how you were doing and calling to say hi. I hope all is well and ummm...yeah, I hope all is well. So long."
(the unmistakable eloquence of Yale grads with a law degree from Fordham)
(I mock, but my voice mails are far worse...and far longer...as many who read this can attest to)
The thing is that its completely sincere and I know it comes from a good place; I know he's concerned and he really does hope all is well and he might even miss me a little bit. I know he cares about me; he just doesn't love me and cannot be what I so desperately want him to be.
And it fucking kills me. It kills me to hear his voice. It kills me to hear the genuine concern. It kills me to know the sincerity is there.
I am clearly not anywhere near as over him as I wanted to believe that I am, as evidenced by the gigantic glass of vodka I am now drinking and the tears that are threatening to spew forth at any moment now. Just hearing his voice sends me into a state of almost panic because I want to see him and to be completely enveloped by him and fall asleep to the sound of his breathing that is so incredibly familiar and know that when I toss and turn in a nightmarish fever that he'll put his arms around me to comfort me as an automatic gesture despite not being truly awake and never be angry or impatient at my nightly acrobatics, screams, and tears. I want more than anything to bury my face in his humorous compassion and feel the safety and nonjudgemental understanding and acceptance I found there. I want those instances of sublime comprehension completely devoid of words but replete with newly forged innocence that I never thought possible found in those very rare moments of improbable connection and unity. I want to see his expression of awed wonder and hear him say "wow" in a mirrored echo of my exact thoughts as he pauses, hovering above me, and his eyes seem to tear through my tissue paper elmer's glue elementary school art class project defenses.
I want him to love me, not care about me.
And it fucking kills me.
More than I expected.
Far more.
How long does it take until this goes away?
I feel like a cliche.
I feel entirely pathetic.
All from one little voice mail.
The worst is that I saved it.
(Please tell me I'm not hopeless)
(Anyone got an ark? The great flood of tears has commenced... Please? I'll settle for a swimming pool raft?)
posted by Le Synge Bleu at 1:11 AM
10 Comments:
Hey, you're up late. Me too. Maybe I'll see if you're on IM...Nope. Okay....
What I want to know is why this guy is such a pussy. He clearly has feelings for you. Otherwise, why does he keep calling you? I can think of several reasons.
1. He just wants to be "friends." If this is true, it's shitty. Because you don't just want to be friends. And it's mean to lead somebody on when you don't like them as much as they like you.
2. He does have feelings for you, but he's scared and blah blah blah....you know the drill. What to make of this? It's legitimate to be scared, but at some point you have to make up your mind and be strong and take the plunge. If this is it, why can't this guy do that? And you have to ask yourself if you want to be with somebody who isn't able to take that kind of risk....
3. He's a "Joe" and you are his "Corey." If that's it, I hate to see that because I was there once and it's a sucky place to be. You deserve a better place than that.
I don't know. I don't know this guy, but it's clear you like him a lot...I guess more than I realized. Do you want to fight for him? Is he worth it? I really don't understand why guys do this kind of stuff...it's so mean to play around with you if he doesn't know what he wants. :(
synge, i think this guy needs boundaries set for him and pointed out to him, because he's not able to recognize that what he's doing is unreasonable. i'm going to go out on a limb here and offer you some ASSvice:
tell him to leave you the fuck alone. tell him exactly what he can and cannot do, and be strict. do not discuss why with him or give him any explanation (not that he's owed any). anything you say to him besides "i vant to be alone" will give him something with which to negotiate with you.
i'm also going to say (because i don't know him and i like you) that he is a fuckwit and not worth your friendship, let alone your love. he is a black hole. don't let him suck up all your energy.
okay, i'm done. i promise to be nice again now.
vix, i just hung up with you...thanks for the middle of the night (middle of the morning i guess) phone conversation...it really did make me feel better (and kept me from calling him). there is nothing more comforting than someone who knows all your shit, isn't afraid to bring it up and call you on it, and who you know still likes you anyway enough to remain friends for well beyond a decade.
so both of you are right on all counts (yes, this is possible) and I thank my lucky stars for always seeming to have strong womyn around when i feel less than.
i am going to climb into bed and maybe even fall asleep snuggling a stuffed animal monkey, and cry until tomorrow is a new day and i remember that i am worth someone who loves me.
and then i will listen to the message once more and i promise i'll erase it tomorrow.
yes, vix....i like him a lot more than anyone realized, myself included. love the say anything reference btw...i'm now singing "joe lies" softly to myself.
lauralu...you are being nice, and probably wise. right now i'm choosing no contact, no comment whatsoever, as i'm not sure i trust myself were i to hear his voice. even to call and say "i vant to be left alone" might be more than i'm ready for right now. he knows i'm not calling because i'm nolt ready, and i do (perhaps mistakenly, but right now it is what i believe) believe that he's just letting me know that he cares about me and misses me and willo be there whenever i'm ready to be friends. what he probably doesn't know is that when he does that it tears me up.
or maybe i'm a gullible fool wearing bllinders.
i just don;t know.
Synge- It's obvious that you still have something in your heart for him or else this would be a moot point. At this point since he's already made his point on his feelings of a relationship w/you; you kinda have to let fate takes its course. If it's meant to be, it will happen; If not, then you'll know. Until then, live your life.
I got your back.
schuey - there was a year and a half a phenomenal pants action that already occurred; those surrenders are always momentary and never come complete with emotional unavailability.
swandad, thanks for having my back. i've been trying to get on with my life, but in these moments when he calls it fucks everything all up and i realize that i bought the super long lasting torch and accidentality super glued my hand to it.
Synge-
I'm sorry. I stand by what I have always said. He will never, ever, ever be THAT guy. He basically told you that and his actions certainly showed that. It upsets me that he doesn't respect your need to be alone. I know that the issue of respect has come up before and I find his behavior so insensitive to your feelings and so disrespectful of your wishes. You are worth so much more. You deserve a man who wants to be with you completely and 100% and not anything less.
MAH
ouch! an sz and vix reference! wow, that's worse than joe and corey...
i hear what you and mah are saying, i do...but the thing is he doesn't know that it upsets me when he calls, how would he? i haven't talked to him in forever. i think he merely thinks i'm mad at him, and his intentions are good.
or maybe i'm an idiot who wants to believe my sugar caoted version of truth.
you really think he's on sz's level?
I would have saved it too....
STAY AWAY FROM HIM! I speak from experience....
Ohhhh my sweet little Synge:
U know what I think u need to do??? Simplify. Get rid of all the cell addresses....
Start over with a new cell.
Give the number to only those that DESERVE to be around you.
You, my dear (and dearly missed soul-friend) have a wonderful and unique heart. And while I believe there are some concessions that u may have to make to grow WITH someone towards a relationship, I DO NOT want u to feel pathetic and sophomoric (sp?) by hanging on to a phone call. u know I know how u feel...for we have decided that I am almost u and u are almost me in alternative uninverses.
Rejoice in new freedoms.
Let go of th burdens of the past because u alone can make that choice.
We all will be here to run through the fields of freedom with u!!!!!!!!!
I am out of the loop, I know.....but.....
laurielou! you may be out of the loop, but you randomly show up at just the right time (as you're prone to do...). i miss our after rehearsal marathon conversations wherein none of this shit seemed to matter quite as much. i guess i just have to get a contract in florida now don't i?
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