Trying to Relax Into it All

I was asked by Sarachkah where I stand now, Monday morning (okay, so its not morning anymore) in the light of day and if I saw Doc Harley this weekend. I'll answer the second question first, as that's far easier to formulate a coherent answer to, then I'll clumsily attempt to answer the first...ha ha ha.

Saturday morning I awoke to a text message from Doc Harley inviting me to ride out to New Jersey with him on the motorcycle to visit his father. I figured I would have to see him sooner or later, and that clearly this indicated that he had no intention of bolting (unless he was going to dump me during lunch at his father's house, which seemed rather unlikely) so it seemed in my best interest to go, no matter how anxious I was as to whether it would be awkward or not. I scrambled into the shower, got ready in record time and when I bravely emerged onto the street, things were completely normal and not at all awkward. The lunch was lovely, the motorcycle ride out there glorious, and not one single mention was made of the text message written about so much as of late. It was as if it had never happened. It is still there, in my phone, so I know it did in fact happen and was not some melodrama created entirely in my head. But its as if it never happened.

I had DH drop me off at my apartment, as I was taking Mr. Artsy Hotpants out for his birthday and needed to go home to get ready. I asked if he wanted me to call him when I was leaving MAH's apartment and he said "Yes, of course". I did, but he was already tired and ready for bed and it would have been another 45 minutes or more to get down to the lower east side, so I went home, with plans to meet him the next day.

Sunday he text messaged a few times and called and we made plans to make dinner at his place . I went downtown after the audition, and we met up right in front of his building. The deceased friend's daughter, the Funky Godchild, came over to have dinner with us...unfortunately her timing was ummm, shall we say not ideal? Slightly frustrated we went off to buy groceries for dinner, with a brief stop at his office to drop off some things, which became a not so brief stop as we shed our frustration (among other things). I returned to the apartment all smiles and made Shrimp Massaman Curry with rice noodles for the Funky Godchild and myself, despite Doc Harley's running commentary on the amount of time it took to make; it turns out good things come to those who wait and the Funky Godchild loved my cooking. More friends came over throughout the evening, and everything seemed quite normal - quite good in fact. No mention was made at any time throughout the night about the text message yet again, but it was clear by this point that he wasn't running.

It is now Wednesday, and I didn't have a chance in the last two days to complete this post. I'm probably in a different place than when it was first begun, but I'll still attempt to answer where I stand now, in the light of day on Wednesday evening.

He's not freaked out and not running; this is a good thing. The lack of any mention whatsoever of my late foible is worrisome, but what's he going to say? "Hey about that text message where you said you were in love with me...yeah, uh..well its not reciprocated."? Clearly he doesn't feel the same way or he's not ready to say it. I respect the fact that he did not say it out of obligation, and "very sweet of you...xxxx" is a hell of a lot better than "Uh-oh, I don't think we're on the same page here" or "I don't feel the same way about you."

I feel like I did not damage anything by my textual revelation, I just made a simple statement; one that was made without expectation. Yes, it was made with hopes, but no expectations. So while his silence was much louder this weekend, it has become less of a presence in my mind as the week has progressed. The most important fact remains that he is sticking around and still being quite wonderful. He behaves as if he at least cares deeply, so chances are that my fears of entering another year and half of trying to love someone who cannot love me in return are unfounded. I am not heartbroken or hurt, at this moment I am patiently waiting to see how this unfolds.

I am slowly learning how to just be and enjoy what is here and now. Oddly enough, I've been freaking out much less about the little shit this week, and questioning this much less. One would think logic would dictate the opposite, but then one would be wrong in this case. And pretentious - for calling themselves one. I'm also learning how to stand up for my needs but also learning to take his into consideration as well. For example, tonight I was going to take him out for dinner to celebrate an upcoming expansion of sorts in his practice that has kind of been in the works for something ridiculous like 2 years; he text messaged a little while ago that he wanted to stay in tonight, and I was incredibly disappointed. My first reaction was like "Great! So much for a sweet romantic evening! Oh joy...another evening in. With friends over no doubt. What is he avoiding spending time with me alone?" Then I remembered what Lady Charon had said about looking at things from a different angle and that being a doctor is an incredibly draining profession. So I wrote back "Long day?" The reply was yes. My first instinct was selfish, reactionary and all about me...an adult loving realtionship involves two people, not just one person and all her insecurities. I tend to jump the gun at times, and I'm trying to learn how not to do that.

So I have no idea if that answers your questions or not, Sarachkah. Where I am at changes every 10 minutes anyway, so perhaps the short version should have just been trying to relax into it all.