Will Work for Cuddle and Shoulder
I am one tired very puffy eyed monkey who has to go to bed because tomorrow will be a hugely long day involving a session with Lady Charon, many hours at a hospital with my friend and then more hours getting them settled in at home and then an all night bus ride home for what does not feel like a joyous Thanksgiving. I just want to crawl in a hole somewhere.
And I really wanted and needed to cuddle up with Doc Harley tonight but he is not feeling well and was going to bed and somehow then became the recipient of my misdirected anger. I called him back when I got home and basically told him that he was pretty crappy in the emotional support arena; he then stayed on the phone with me while I gave very abbreviated replies, trying to be there telephonically for me. I didn't want him there telephonically; I hate the telephone and wanted him to hold me. I wanted him to use his freakin mammoth brain for just a second and realize that I may need him, and most of all I wanted him to just know it without me having to tell him. I finally got off the phone, saying, "I don't want to talk on the phone, I don't like talking on the phone. I want to go curl up into my roomate's breast and cuddle and have her hold me while I cry." I wanted to add..."like you should be doing!", but I didn't. I just said goodnight and agreed to call him in the morning when I wake up (he said he'd have the phone by the bed, in case he was asleep). Why can't he call me in the morning when he wakes up? Why can't he magically make everything better, because perhaps that's what I'm really wanting from him?
Its all confusing, and I'm so emotionally frail and exhausted at the moment that I don't know what I'm doing or saying. Its a good thing I didn't break up with him just because he's not feeling well and wanted to go to bed, like I had decided to do on the subway ride home from my friend's apartment tonight. Its just that I've been spending the last two days holding someone while they cried, and I wanted him to do the same for me. Why does it always feel like its only the womyn who come through when you need them? Why is it only the womyn who instrinsically know when you need to be held?
And I really wanted and needed to cuddle up with Doc Harley tonight but he is not feeling well and was going to bed and somehow then became the recipient of my misdirected anger. I called him back when I got home and basically told him that he was pretty crappy in the emotional support arena; he then stayed on the phone with me while I gave very abbreviated replies, trying to be there telephonically for me. I didn't want him there telephonically; I hate the telephone and wanted him to hold me. I wanted him to use his freakin mammoth brain for just a second and realize that I may need him, and most of all I wanted him to just know it without me having to tell him. I finally got off the phone, saying, "I don't want to talk on the phone, I don't like talking on the phone. I want to go curl up into my roomate's breast and cuddle and have her hold me while I cry." I wanted to add..."like you should be doing!", but I didn't. I just said goodnight and agreed to call him in the morning when I wake up (he said he'd have the phone by the bed, in case he was asleep). Why can't he call me in the morning when he wakes up? Why can't he magically make everything better, because perhaps that's what I'm really wanting from him?
Its all confusing, and I'm so emotionally frail and exhausted at the moment that I don't know what I'm doing or saying. Its a good thing I didn't break up with him just because he's not feeling well and wanted to go to bed, like I had decided to do on the subway ride home from my friend's apartment tonight. Its just that I've been spending the last two days holding someone while they cried, and I wanted him to do the same for me. Why does it always feel like its only the womyn who come through when you need them? Why is it only the womyn who instrinsically know when you need to be held?
posted by Le Synge Bleu at 11:31 PM
2 Comments:
as a womAn, i am sorry i could not be there for you my sweet, sweet, little sister. i will try to call you tomorrow. and in the meanwhile remember, men are different than us, and quite often they need us to ask directly for what we want. in fact, they usually do. remember, most of them are simply not emotionally intuitive creatures. that does not make them bad ( just less evolved).
It's not that we need you to tell us... Typically I sense the need and offer to come over, but am told not to.
I guess my female decryption device should then be telling me that your "no, you don't have to" response really means "yes, and if you don't you are in the dog house for the next month".
Sorry... Do I seem cynical?
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