Let Me Off This Ride!!

When I was in sixth grade, I went to the nearby amusement park and was forced to ride in the seat-o-death (the very last car) on the rickety old wooden roller coaster (read death trap) that made you feel as if you were going to fall out at any minute; the not-so-substantial "protective safety bars" being way too far away to do any good and being no match whatsoever for the bouncing and jumping and thumping that I was certain would be the death of me.

It wasn't.

It was, however, the death of my very short lived middle school social life, as I had gone with one of the neighborhood girls who was a "popular" (read vapid) girl, and I had made the damning error of crying profusely on said roller coaster ride. (She also made me watch terrfying horror movies; a fear which I still have yet to conquer. I have since forgiven her sadistic delight in my fear, as I have my own theory that she is a lesbian who was incredibly miserable and maladjusted in those awkward closeted middle school years. This theory is based in nothing but an almost infallible gadar and a strong gut feeling.) I ended up absolutely loving roller coasters a few years later, but from that experience, its a wonder I ever climbed back into any such instrument of terror. It either speaks volumes of my resilience and tenacity or of my masochistic self destructive tendencies; I see no need to explore wherein the answer lies.

Substantially less fun, I've since discovered, are emotional roller coaster rides. I suppose it's like riding a roller coaster as a blind person, with no idea whether a peak or plummet is forthcoming; both take you equally by surprise, and the peaks are less enjoyable for fear of the impending stomach lurching descent.

To say I have been on an emotional roller coaster lately would be a gross understatement. And it really varies from moment to moment, not just day to day. Within the course of several hours, I am covering entire mountain ranges of emotional landscape, thus rendering me rather exhausted and feeling like I have no energy to accomplish even the most menial of tasks (aka locating that damn elusive floor of my room!).

I'm not sure where this is all coming from; I'm sure some of it (probably a lot of it) is hormonal; I seem to be in a severely elongated term of PMS and pray for the reprieve of my tormentingly late period (sorry guys, though if you can't deal with blood by now, grow the fuck up). Don't worry, there is no possibility of pregnancy, just a somehow altered cycle (which can be altered by emotional states, so which came first the chicken or the egg?). I'm sure a lot of it is also connected to the recent changes (read losses - one of my least favorite themes) in my life with Mr. Saucy Funnybuns' move to the far reaches of the earth (L.A.) and the end of my realtionship with Doc Harley. But I feel like there's something else there, slightly blurred and out of focus, having to do with my confidence, which rises and falls along the drastic vertical pendulum connected to the mood roller coaster. Something I'm probably afraid to put my finger on and name, otherwise the picture would already be much clearer. I'm at a definite point of change in my life, and as usual, am fiercely bucking it every step of the way.

Along the peaks and ridges the view is stupendous; the vast expanse of possibility and capability combined is infinite and truly breathtaking. The blitzkrieg free falling descents, however, come without warning and are breathtaking in a grotesquely violating sort of way; like getting the wind knocked out of you by betrayal personified.

Like that vulnerable little 6th grade girl, terrified of the ride she found herself on, I want to howl "let me off now!!".

If I could apply the same release to this roller coaster as I did to the physical ones, perhaps this wouldn't be such a fearful thing. A letting go and giving over to the process, trusting that it will undoubtedly end and could possibly turn out to be fun if I would only let myself truly experience it. I'm pretty sure at the end of the ride lies great growth, but the getting there feels nauseating.

Couldn't I have ridden the swings instead?