A Rather Discouraged Purely Factual and Completely Unfunny Update

I know I haven't written about Maman in a long time, and I also know that many people look here to find out the updates instead of asking...and I'm sorry about that. I guess I haven't really been up to the task; I mean there are really only so many ways to say cancer sucks and I want my mother to be healthy and I want my life back. Its hard to write about, and even harder to live. So instead of really doing either, I've mostly been watching movies. Google video and Amazon unbox, I love you. You have numbed and distracted me with loving screens, and for this I will be ever grateful.

The doctors have taken Maman off of the chemo for right now; her poor body could not take it anymore and 2 blood and platelet transfusions a week were way too much on both her body and her state of mind. This is wonderful for quality of life, as she's now able to do a lot more regular life things that she hasn't been able to do in 7 months -simple things such as cooking a meal or driving to the store to pick something up. Daily chores that we take for granted, or even think we may want a respite from. Little things which make up a semblance of a life, and without which we feel helpless and non-existent. This also serves as a much needed break for all of us from the heightened state of panic and constant crisis mode we've been operating under for 7 months. WB and I are spending more time in New York and less time in airports, finding our own life together that we didn't necessarily get a chance to explore. So yes, there are many beautiful and good things to come out of this decision which we had no control over to begin with.

And then there are the dark and gloomy cold hard facts. Maman cannot receive chemo. And this is for an extended period of time - we're talking at least 6 months, if not more. And its not like the cancer's on hiatus too....nope, its working overtime, as its wont to do. Cancer is a workaholic who doesn't take vacations and works weekends and thus gets all the promotions until its Vice President of the entire body. And the really super shitty villainy of it all is that she's still needing platelet transfusions, even without the poison of chemo seeping throughout her veins. The only possible thing one can utter upon hearing that is a useless 13 year old battle cry of That is So Unfair!

Maman just called a few minutes ago to inform me that she's in the hospital yet again waiting for the platelets to arrive. I had so hoped that with this forced break her life could finally be more than one long endless wait, but perhaps that goal was too high.

Yes, I am feeling discouraged. Discouraged and tired and heartbroken. Although, as Maman so wisely put it, at least she's still alive to be waiting for platelets in the hospital.

Okay, I Get the Hint!

Not only have I gotten several emails requesting that I update my blog (as sadly I am indeed that bad at maintaining contact that people really on the blog to know what's going on in my life - yes, i am aware how pathetic that is), but I have also been tagged by My Little Vidipookikins, aka Micawave to name 5 things about me that you don't know. As I am not exactly known for overwhelming modesty and discretion on this blog (or anywhere else for that matter) this is definitely a bit of a challenge indeed. Throw into the mix the fact that some of my readers have known me practically my whole life and that my big sister reads this blog and it because a herculean task. So I'll do my best and some of you will say "I knew that". Good for you, you win a gold star. Here's my confessional, how many hail whatevers do I need to say?

1. I have virtually no memory for names, faces, dates, places, and pretty much any and all information that is not related to the present moment or a play I am working on. I have been known to forget what I am saying in the middle of a sentence (more often than I'd like to admit) and I never introduce people because I've almost always forgotten the name of one party or another, even if I've known them for years. I am a big fat liar in this respect, often acting my way through awkward situations and people or things I don't remember at all. Despite all of this, I am always 99% word perfect on my lines for every play I've been in - even bash, where i was onstage alone for 55 minutes, all monologue. Go figure...and now everyone I know in my real life is totally going to call me on it when I'm bullshitting. Nice one Synge! All for the sake of a stupid meme.

2. Certain that I was destined to spend my life alone or in a series of dead end relationships with emotionally unavailable or autistic men, I asked Mr. Artsy Hotpants to fork over some sperm and father my child if I ended up alone with rapidly dying eggs and no prospects on the horizon. He agreed, and I'm still deeply honored by that. That would be one brilliant but amazingly neurotic child. With a big 'ol Jewish nose. I'd also offer up my womb and eggs even if I am with someone and MAH wanted a child. That's friendship for you.

3. I am terrified that I am becoming my mother - just the overly controlling, perpetually tense, and hyperdefensive version of her, which I was fortunate enough to grow up with pretty much right up until college, and the one who is unfortunately rearing her head a bit these days. Its amazing how much conditioning there is to overcome, and how aware and vigilant you have to be to overcome it. And I am afraid I am failing miserably. Especially since WB said the other day that he felt like sometimes I treat him like my mother treats my father. That scared the shit out of me, especially since he's been seeing the least flattering version of our family dynamics. Cancer fucks with familial relationships too...as if being the harbinger of death wasn't enough....

4. I am currently the biggest I've ever been in my life and I feel pretty bad about myself...so WB and I have embarked on a very strict diet, as prescribed by Lady Charon, who is quite knowledgeable in the nutrition department. Its no wheat, dairy, sugar, fat, and low sodium low carb. Pretty much we eat salads with fat free/carb free/calorie free dressing and steamed/grilled/roasted veggies and brown rice. Its amazing how much of a difference it makes, and even though I've always eaten quite healthily (is that a word? I"m too lazy to look it up), my body seems to be appreciating the lack of processed and extraneous crap. However, my confession is that while I am off all of those weight inducing things, I have not gone off alcohol, which is probably the most fattening of all! We're both still losing weight and my rationale is that we've both given up smoking and all of the yummiest foods in life (by that I mean baguette and stinky french cheese)...you can't take everything away! I still feel like a giant fraud though.

5. I am deathly afraid of fish. When I go snorkeling, my mother has to hold my hand and wave away the fish if they get too close. I once starting crying and panicking when a school of 3 inch teeny tiny fish were gathered around the ladder to the dive boat, blocking my exit from the water. That's when my mother realized I wasn't exaggerating my phobia. Yet I still snorkel and even own my own snorkeling gear because I try to confront my fears as best I can so they don't take total control over me. Also, snorkeling with sea turtles is pretty freaking awesome.

And now I have to go to my first ever acupuncture session (look, you got a freebie there! above and beyond the 5! wow!) so that I can pull up my pants without bursting into tears from the pain. I went to one of the $10 for 10 minutes Korean massage places that you find every 4 blocks, and when I was paying, the guy who kneaded and pounded my enormous knots (get your mind out of the gutter, I'm talking about pain here) said "Very bad! Back and neck very bad!" I replied "I know" as in duh, that's why I came here. And he said rather persistently "No, very very bad! Very bad! Very bad back and neck!" Okay, dude. I get it. My back is seriously fucked, but ummm...considering I'm the one in major pain, don't you kind of think I"m aware of that? So I'm putting all my eggs in this basket, and hoping desperately that acupuncture will be my salvation. I have pretty high hopes considering 1. the western medicine doctor who treated (read drugged) me for the initial car accident neck injury pretty much said my only hope was acupuncture. This coming from a western doctor...that's big points for both acupuncture and that doctor in my book. 2. I have more faith in what is a much older (read tried and true) tradition of medicine that is not in the pocket of big business (read the pharmaceutical villains). So wish me luck and send healing energy my way. Or vodka. That works too.

Oh, I almost forgot...I gotta tag 5 people. Oy. Okay, ummm...Jessica, Liza, The Evacuee, Chanteuse, and Vixanne. Now I gotta go pee and get stuck with very large needles.

In that order.