Access Denied; Hopefully Not To Extend to All Areas of Life

At first I thought it was just a temporary glitch, a porblem with network connections. Then, as the day progressed, I realized that no, my precious internet access was gone, disappearred into thin air literally overnight! What's worse, I realized that it was not a department wide block, oh no, I was a lone target, being punished for my gross abuse of internet privileges. No one said a word about it, but the truth was written plainly across my moniter; the only site I had access to was the company site.

I was paralyzed by this sudden loss; floating in a haze of mourning for the absence so acutely felt. I was lost without the comforting ability to google whatever I wanted whenever I wanted to. How would I ever be able to function? The panic was a palpable presence rising in my throat, my heart ready to explode from my chest.

I decided the only logical course of action was to quit my sdj. I could never survive the long arduous and horrifically boring tedium of data entry, endless spreadsheets and access databases, and perpetual papercuts amidst the mountains of manilla files without my one sole comfort. The thought was unbearable and I felt so very alone, that not even steady emailing could salvage my broken spirit. I became withdrawn, listening to my audiobook du moment, staunchly refusing to interact, and becoming more and more taciturn and bitter with every passing moment. I was so distraught I even lashed out unfairly at poor SL200, amidst the steady flow of our daily emailing saga. I was becoming a stranger to even myself; something had to be done and control had to be regained.

I have never had any formal training in computers whatsoever; in fact I was so technophobic growing up that I made my father take the computer out of our house once my brother left for college, certain that it was an evil invention that sent out subliminal messages while we slept. As with most things, I learned my way around a computer experientially, and by necessity; trial by fire, otherwise known as non-profit land where everyone has the job of 12 people and you sink or swim but care about what you're doing far too much to have failure as an option. While I am still no expert, I can generally figure out on my own, through trial and error, how to do anything I may not already know. Thank god for non-profit land.

I spent a good portion of the day trying all sorts of various tricks to regain my beloved internet access, only to be foiled at every turn. Reloading internet explorer, what I did last time my access was taken away was no longer an option, as the programs were no longer available to reload without a networkl administrator; evidently they got wise to that little ruse. I tried a million other things to no avail, and just when things were looking hopeless beyond belief and the taers were poised and ready to flow, salvation came in the most unlikely of places. I will not reveal how I thwarted the evil empire this time, just in case they have this blog address; I will only say its a good thing I am resourceful, no longer afraid of computers, and a damn stubborn woman who does not give up easily.

I feel like I have climbed Mount Everest and returned intact.

And yes, I really do, at times, loathe the sdj that much that without internet access I would quit.

Hopefully this trend of denial only extends as far as the realm of the machine, for I have a bit of a new crush. He is in my wonderful improv class that has been returning my long lost confidence to me bit by bit every week, as well as being a fuckiong blast. I'll call him Mr. Potato-head because he's Irish, cute, and I just think that's a funny name even if it is bordering on offensive. Mr. Potato-head is tall, lanky, funny, kind, smart and very laid back with a good outlook on life. I, however, am evidently a gigantic spaz who instantly regresses to Middle School when having a one on one conversation with him.

After class on Monday, a number of us went to the theatre to see our teacher (who by the way said in the first class that she strongly encourages falling in love in her class - what can I say? I am a good student...) perform. I found myself standing outside with Mr. Potato-head, waiting for the other classmates to arrive via the unbelievably slow elevator. While my insides melted completely from the mere presence if his eyes locked on mine, I vaguely attempted to retain some level of composure as he leaned toward me and said "You know, I think you're really great." Uh, no, in fact I did not know this...and was he talking about improv or in general? Did it matter? Umm..oh shit..it was my turn to say something wasn't it? Uh, uh..."I think you're great too!" [said in some weird ditzy character voice as I retreted into actor mode and made a joke of it]. What the hell?

We walked together, ahead of the group and talked about fear and life and choice and who knows what else, as I slid in and out of serious mode like some multiple personality freak. Lovely. I did sit next to him at the show, but when I emerged from the ladies' room afterwards, I found much to my dismay that the majority of the class had already left. Damn. So now I'm debating calling him and asking if he wants to go see another show with me, or just waiting until Monday. Do I woos or do I push? Will I be able to have an actual conversation with him without acting like a total idiot? And what the hell am I doing, as I've been so proud of myself for being so un-focused on stupid boys as of late?

And he's going through a divorce. Yeah. Giant. Red. Flag.

(but his accent is really cute and he's kind of shy and turns all red when he's embarrassed and he seems to be a really good person.)

Oh well, at least I have internet access again.