Not-so-Poised On the Brink

It didn't really hit me until today, when graciously and repeatedly reminded through various phone calls, emails, and text messages.

Today is my very last day in my 20's.

Forever.

Come tomorrow, I will never be in my 20's again.

Its not that it necessarily bothers me; I have the wide open expanse of the unexplored terrirtory of my 30's yet to navigate, and from what I hear the paths are far less rocky, so one can spend more time enjoying the scenery and less time tripping up. Its just that its weird to think of. Its weird to know that as of tomorrow I am viewed in a different category. As of tomorrow the delicate balance of woman-child shifts a little more into the realm of woman and a little less in that of child.

I know its just a number, and numbers are arbitrary beasts...and its not like I haven't been identifying myself as 30 for the past 4 months anyway....its just that it feels so...final. Goodbye 20's.

In many ways, I am happy to bid a not-so-fond farewell to a decade of my life that was frought with nonstop drama and more painful trauma than many very fortunate people experience in an entire lifetime. Yet it also encompassed infinite strength and light years of personal growth. There were many mistakes made...many many dangerous stupid mistakes....yet here I am at the end of that path about to embark on a new one. And I am shifting gears, whether consciously or not; I'm already making life changes, what with the budgeting and fiscal responsibility, the grand experiment in mornings, and generally treating myself with far more care than the overwhelmingly self-destructive child-woman of my 20's ever did.

And these are things I am incredibly proud of.

I do feel like I am poised to enter my 30's with a self awareness that I never quite grasped before and a commitment to growth and healing that I never even considered. I feel good about who I am, and ready to point a foot towards this unknown future...yet somehow, today, there's a little sadness involved as well in this purely metaphorical transition.

I'm not sure what that's about.

Not to mention I deeply regret the unfortunate circumstances (a horrendous stomach flu) which caused me to spend my last week in my 20's vommiting profusely.

I also feel like I should do something really stupid and childish tonight that I will be embarassed about for years, just to comemorate a decade filled with such experiences.

But I won't. I will go to my Code Pink meeting, and then I will do laundry, like a responsible almost 30 year old. I will, however, be drinking at my favorite neighborhood bar with B.B. King (who knows in no uncertain terms that I am only available for friendship as women's solidarity is a deeply embedded-to-the-core facet of my personality - so don't worry, its just as friends) in between trips to and from the washer....perhaps there's still a little life in the old gal yet?