Insecure Freakazoid Battles Wild Boar...Tonight at 11

Okay, it was a date. I, who made hollow vows of dating celibacy, broke those self same vows. I am guilty as charged. I have nothing to say in my defense, except HELP!!

You guessed it, its the return of the frighteningly neurotic mess, in all her insecure glory. However, the incarnation du jour is this ridiculous waffler who can't figure out what she wants and if she really likes this guy or is making it all up in her head.

It makes her write in the dreaded 3rd person for chrissake!! Noooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!

I literally go from Equator at noon in the summer to Siberia at 3am in February. Not that I've ever actually been to either of those places and have any inkling whatsoever what they are like...I'm just that off kilter that even my metaphors are suffering.

Here, let me try to impose at least a smidgen of the linear in here; its a long shot but I'm trying for clarity. I will call him WB or the Wild Boar, because unfortunately that is what he sounds like at 4am when he is snoring. Really. I assure you that you have never ever heard anything like this in your life, and this is coming from a woman long used to being ridiculed and almost detested at many a caving gathering for her father's infamous snoring, which incidentally sounds like a lullabye when compared with the Wild Boar's.

And for the record, though I know I owe no explanations, I have actually not slept with him yet. I bring this up out of pride, not defensiveness, as I'm usually naked before the appetizers have a chance to get cold. Abstaining for several dates is rather shocking behavior on my part (as I think my frustrated hormones will attest to at this point).

I met WB at the sdj...another bizarroid fact, and what's more while he is absolutely passionate about art, literature, and music, he is not an artist (or so he claims). While I admit to having a very hard time with both of those facts, I'm pushing through and actually giving the guy a chance. I must be getting soft in my old age. The truth is that he's fun and funny and really nice and he pays attention to little details, and pretty much gets me, calling me on my mini-bullshits in a friendly just-keeping-you-honest way. Of course on the other hand, these things scare the shit out of me and sometimes I worry that he's boring because he's lacking an edge. The question is, in my book does edge translate to is a freak who treats you like shit? Because past evidence seems to kind of point not-so-subtlely in that direction. The truth is he's quite an interesting person, even if some of it gets lost in translation (he just moved here fairly recently from Puerto Rico, and while he's completely fluent and highly educated, I get the feeling that some things just don't translate all that well); we definitely share some interests and he's open to others. He's as obsessed with travelling as I am! Maybe the boring also stems from lack of drama (of the overblown soap opera genre I have found myself accustomed to)? Maybe I'm a neurotic freakazoid who needs to shut the fuck up and just keep getting to know this guy?

He's completely aware that I am a serial freaker-outer (a term which he finds charming...for now at least, when its a seemingly innocuous word) and seems to be quite adept at handling that, I must say. He makes me laugh, he gets what I mean even when I sometimes don't, and he is an extraordinary kisser. He is very sensitive and terrifies me in that pee-in-your-pants on the wooden roller coaster kind of way because he wants intimacy...like the real kind, not just the physical kind! I'm not sure I even know what that is! I'm writing in a panicked tone of clicking here, ya just can't hear it folks!

When he spent the night (because he lives upstate a little ways right now and it was a schoolnight and all) I, of course, clumsily blurted out in my not-so-tactful voice "I'm not sleeping with you, you know!" To which he replied, "Well good because I have no intention of sleeping with you." Excuse me? What? So I said rather defensively "Well why not?" (I am so predictable) and his reply was "Because there are many different layers and levels to you, and if I sleep with you tonight, I don't ever get to see those, do I?"

Damn. He got my number.

And today, when I was in the world's pissiest mood (though nothing compared to the terror that is me on pms) because Doc Harley took the box of my crap I had left at his apartment and dropped it off at a restaurant for me or someone else to pick up which I strangely enough happen to find quite shitty, he made me laugh all day, diluting the vinegar whether I wanted him to or not. I actually said "Excuse me but I'm trying to stay in my pissy mood, could you please stop making me laugh?" I actually was pushing for him to come over tonight and stay the night, despite the fact that he didnt have anything with him for work tomorrow and was really disappointed that he didn't. Then I inexplicably freaked out and did a 180 and started with the questioning again. What the fuck is that about?

It seems to be that when I am actually with him, I have a wonderful time. Sometimes on the phone too, but considering I hate the phone and cell phones and accents do not mix well, considerably less. The freaking out seems to mostly occur when I am not at all with him, and can't seem to remember to relax and just enjoy the process. I create reasons why I shouldn't date him, or I convince myself that I made up the entire attraction in my mind. My objections seem to be purely made up in my head and don't always make sense, but just because something looks good on paper doesn't mean your gut always agrees. The question is whose voice am I hearing - gut or fear? Because the guy definitely wants to ultimately head to relationship land and I can't figure out if I want that or not. He teases me about my fear of being boxed in, and he's right. Well, at least he's aware of that little hurdle. He also has told me to remember that I don't owe him anything - which seems like a "well duh!" thing to say, but really kind of reflects a lot of past behavioral patterns and decisions in my life when I sit down and think about it.

I know this sounds weird and crass, but I feel like while the waiting and getting to know eachother thing is great, I really need to sleep with him and make sure he's good in bed before I invest any more into it - make sure we're sexually compatible. I know sex isn't everything and shouldn't be the foundation of a relationship, but it is an incredibly important part of one and pretty heavily weighed in my book. With Doc Harley, there were issues like differences in appetite (mine is evidently voracious) which made things really strained and difficult and ultimately made me kind of unhappy. Plus we weren't really all that compatible, except for the whole tie me up tie me down thing, and that's just not enough in the long run. I want to make sure the sex is hot before I progress any further, whether or not Lady Charon thinks that I need to learn how to develop a relationship where there is true intimacy and not just sex.

Plus if I get laid, I just may be a tad less neurotic.

Maybe?



(That's if I can survive the horrible mating call of the Wild Boar in his sleep - the most dreaded of sounds akin to nails on a chalkboard)