All's Fair in Love and Cancer? Well, Maybe Just the Love Part...

I was hoping that the bi-monthly city swapping between Maman's and home would get easier. We humans are an incredibly adaptable species, after all, and its not like I have to give up my whole life...only half of it, really. But somehow when the adaptability gene was being passed around, someone in my lineage must have been on a potty break because I just ain't adapting here. Instead, i'm becoming more and more worn out. Its not tired - its like tired supersized. Its like new and improved tired! Its like a fucking train ran over my fucking head, but like a chicken my body remains a slave to inertia and I keep going through the motions.

And its every other week, with the end so far down the horizon that I'm beginning to think the Earth may not be flat after all.

As he was driving me to the airport last night, Dad was uncharacteristically sweet and sentimental and just the slightest bit mooshy gooshy; cancer brings out the softer side of Sears and all. He thanked me, sincerely and without sarcasm (which is a feat in our family) for coming down so frequently to help him out. He told me that I enabled him to have a life.

While I am infinitely thankful for the closeness he is cultivating here, I gotta admit that his statements did seem to put just the tiniest bit of pressure on me. So if I change it to every two weeks, will he suddenly implode, being left bereft and lifeless? Am I to sacrifice any hope of a life of my own to give him one? I thought parenting was supposed to work the other way around!
Then I remember that I am indeed being a spoiled selfish asshole and it must be that whole exhaustion thing, which also makes me quite prone to crying at the first sign of tenderness from anyone and everyone so don't tell me I'm not an asshole unless you want to hear me electronically weep.


.......Ah, Adventures in Cancerland....a Tale of Laughter, Tears, Frustration, and Vomit......


Maman is getting weaker and weaker and sicker and sicker - chemo is cumulative like that. Don't get me wrong, when she's awake, she's still spunky old Maman, albeit much less capable of following a conversation than before (she tends to get lost easily, which doesn't exactly pair well with my tendency to ramble). Unfortunately, she is awake less and less, and either sleeping or vomitting more and more. I'm clinging to the old adage that the body heals itself while sleeping, but that's kind of hard to do when you're pumping it full of evil and uber-debilitating poison. I'm not a huge fan of the chemo. Its really nasty harsh stuff.

I did, however, wrack what is left of my severly addled brain, and managed to come up with several options for the blandest, least offensive, and easiest to eat with a single spoon options for cuisine. While it won't earn any Michelin stars, it will hopefully stay down and prevent her from edging any closer to the pattented Nicole Richie Concentration Camp look. (Can you tell what pop-culturally challenged lady did a little headline reading at the grocery store this weekend?) The menu du jour includes completely unseasoned and very very thin mashed potatoes, cream of wheat, sometimes lentil soup, and a very fluffy (lots and lots of milk) egg and swiss omelette. (the yogurt, fruit, and protein powder shake wasn't the hit I hoped it would be.) Of course that's until those things become unbearable or she becomes incapable of eating altogether - the other night everything stayed down just fine and then out of nowhere, as she was getting ready for bed, she just began vomitting. I don't think we're dealing with an Exorcist type thing here, so the other option is that her body is trying to expell anything and everything that's put in there. Great. Kind of narrows the dinner options, huh?

I hope no one is eating while reading this...or was.

The week before last we had a special treat - she had not only one, but TWO transfusions! Jackpot!!! First was the interminably long blood transfusion (interminably long for me, she was knocked out with Benadryl the whole time), and then came the oh-so-coveted Platelets - all of which served to temporarily boost her up to such a degree that she was even able to go with Dad on a mini-trip to a little town about an hour away. Of course, this excitement was short lived, as the next Thursday was the nasty ass-kicking 6 hour chemo, which would flatten even the heartiest of the bunch. But at least she got out, and for just a moment was allowed to feel slightly closer to normal.

And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present to you....The Silver Lining!! :

I am still so head over heels in love with my Wild Boar. He is best friend, lover, and support syextraordinaire! We transitioned to domestic life together swimmingly, and considering all the odds and challenges we've been thrown up against, I'm pretty damn impressed with how we've stepped up to the plate time and time again. Its pretty mind-boggling really, when you think about how new the relationship was when this all began. There's nothing like personal tragedy to either accelerate or kill a relationship. I'm glad we chose what was behind door number one.

WB goes with me every time I go to Maman's, and stays through Monday morning at the crack of dawn each visit (we have to wake up at 4:30am to go the airport - if that's not love, what is?). He has won over the hearts of not only my parents (who vow to keep him, not me, should anything happen) but pretty much everyone I've ever kown since birth (and that is not an exaggeration, there are literally friends he's met that have known me since ages 1, 2 and 3). He is pretty much the only thing keeping me from the loony bin at present and he somehow manages to make me laugh or smile in even the worst and most trying of moments.

And...I came home last night to a dozen roses spread out over the bed in a valiant attempt at creating a heart shape! (although it looked kind of more like a spade really...but who's counting?)

Its funny how the universe gives you all extremes at once, isn't it?

(see, notice how I start writing about him and suddenly my tone gets lighter and happier...shit! Clearly I'm going soft on y'all ....and clearly he is my silver lining)