A Little Narcissistic Atlas Wanna Be...or....You Might Not Want to Read This Post if You Are a Close Friend of my Parents

I feel like I'm carrying the world on my back and my legs are buckling.

This was the discovery of the day with Lady Charon....and it makes sense. I have both of my parents putting me in a parental/advisor role to such an extent that one will actually say to the other "well Synge thinks its a good idea!". My father calls at least every day for advice, though he couches it; it is me who organizes things so that he can feel comfortable to go hiking, me who has encouraged him to get away more before his head explodes, and me who made him start going to therapy on his own for individual sessions vs. with Maman. Today he said "When did you get to be so wise?" and he has said on several occasions that its like a role reversal and that I'm parenting him.

And that's not okay. I'm supposed to be the child, not the parent. I am supposed to receive nuturing from them, not nurture them. And believe me, I could use a little parenting too you know! This isn't exactly a picnic for me- just because I'm not there every day doesn't mean it doesn't affect me in some way every day. I DON'T GET TO REALLY HAVE MY OWN LIFE FOR CHRISSAKE!! I'm living in a constant limbo between two places getting very burnt out and feeling very hollow and nobody is freaking parenting me! I get love and nurturing from WB and my wonderful friends (when I actually have the time to see them or talk to them) and Lady Charon is somewhat of a parental figure, but I feel like an orphan and I see my parents all the time.

The hurt is compounded by the fact that its only been in the last 10 years or so that I've even had much of a relationship with my parents; growing up they were a bit too caught up in their own dramas of a suffering marriage and the fact that my father would compete with his own kids for my mother's attention (and often won) to really be parents. My brother was my parental figure, and it was when he died that I began to ask my parents to be parents. They stepped up to the plate and together we have been learning how to be parent/child. And now they've abandoned their post and passed along the burden for me to carry for a while.

And they're not supposed to do that!

Once you are a parent, you are a parent for life, the child does not turn around to parent you, but rather passes it along to the next generation. As Lady Charon says, "The generational stream only flows one way".

Can you tell I'm having a little bit of anger over here? Just a teensy bit of rage in this little corner of the blogosphere?

Ladies and gentlemen, the things no one tells you about dealing with the serious illness of a loved one..... the rage. But that's for another 5 million posts...

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And god knows why, but I've been trying to carry WB on my back as well, just to make things even heavier. Whether by misinterpretation and a tendency to want to fix everything or by being asked to, I'm not sure. But I'm trying an experiment to not take everything he says as if I have a personal responsibility to fix it - to just listen, as a loving partner.

Believe it or not, that is Mount Everest for me.

For some obscure but surely ridiculous reason, I feel as if everything in the world is my fault - as if I am personally accountable for everything and everyone in my life.

Wow, that's a lot to heap upon onesself...especially whilst city hopping and working several jobs. Hmmm, perhaps its time to learn the all important phrase "I love you, but that is not my problem."













And now you have just been treated to someone's therapy session...pretty exciting stuff huh? Hello....hello? Are you still awake through this drudge of narcissistic masturbatory self analysis?


Oh fuck it....pass the vodka, the ice cream, and a copy of The Color Purple.
Thanks.

Tiny Pockets of Life Sustaining Manna

Evidently my newfound motivation to keep up with this blog lasted a whole 2 posts. Wow...that just may be a personal record these days.

Just got back (Tuesday at almost midnight...thank you sooo much Continental airlines for your unfailing punctuality) from Maman's and my mind and body are stil in that weird transition state - the weeks that are divided like this are always the hardest, as its impossible to feel fully present in either place. Its the floater week, where I float in an exhausted state of perma-limbo. I am a real nowhere-woman, sitting in my nowhere land, making lots of nowhere plans for nobody because I can't exactly make advanced plans at the moment.

I did, however, in a life saving move, make plans for the next two weekends. Yup - read em and weep...a blessed two weekends in the city! Who'd have ever thought that the girl who loved perpetual motion would be thrilled at two weekends in the same place?

Why am I forsaking my filial obligations for a blessed 2 weeks, you ask? (in reality you are more likely questioning my use of filial obligation than the forsaking of it..) Because I got cast in an independent short film which will be shooting in four 14 hour grueling days of blissful work. Yes...work! WORK!!! I am being an actor for the next two weekends, something I not only have missed, but also need like food and water and oxygen.

And its my little bucket of salvation to drink and stave off dehydration while traversing what Lady Charon calls the path to burnout land.

Apologies for the short post - I wanted to get at least something up, but am almost on my way out of the office. WB and I are celebrating our "monthary" tonight - I've got a hot date with the man I love and an excuse to celebrate. We take full advantage of the little moments like this nowadays - a tiny pocket of calm for just us.

And cancer is NOT invited to the party tonight.