A Little Narcissistic Atlas Wanna Be...or....You Might Not Want to Read This Post if You Are a Close Friend of my Parents
I feel like I'm carrying the world on my back and my legs are buckling.
This was the discovery of the day with Lady Charon....and it makes sense. I have both of my parents putting me in a parental/advisor role to such an extent that one will actually say to the other "well Synge thinks its a good idea!". My father calls at least every day for advice, though he couches it; it is me who organizes things so that he can feel comfortable to go hiking, me who has encouraged him to get away more before his head explodes, and me who made him start going to therapy on his own for individual sessions vs. with Maman. Today he said "When did you get to be so wise?" and he has said on several occasions that its like a role reversal and that I'm parenting him.
And that's not okay. I'm supposed to be the child, not the parent. I am supposed to receive nuturing from them, not nurture them. And believe me, I could use a little parenting too you know! This isn't exactly a picnic for me- just because I'm not there every day doesn't mean it doesn't affect me in some way every day. I DON'T GET TO REALLY HAVE MY OWN LIFE FOR CHRISSAKE!! I'm living in a constant limbo between two places getting very burnt out and feeling very hollow and nobody is freaking parenting me! I get love and nurturing from WB and my wonderful friends (when I actually have the time to see them or talk to them) and Lady Charon is somewhat of a parental figure, but I feel like an orphan and I see my parents all the time.
The hurt is compounded by the fact that its only been in the last 10 years or so that I've even had much of a relationship with my parents; growing up they were a bit too caught up in their own dramas of a suffering marriage and the fact that my father would compete with his own kids for my mother's attention (and often won) to really be parents. My brother was my parental figure, and it was when he died that I began to ask my parents to be parents. They stepped up to the plate and together we have been learning how to be parent/child. And now they've abandoned their post and passed along the burden for me to carry for a while.
And they're not supposed to do that!
Once you are a parent, you are a parent for life, the child does not turn around to parent you, but rather passes it along to the next generation. As Lady Charon says, "The generational stream only flows one way".
Can you tell I'm having a little bit of anger over here? Just a teensy bit of rage in this little corner of the blogosphere?
Ladies and gentlemen, the things no one tells you about dealing with the serious illness of a loved one..... the rage. But that's for another 5 million posts...
***********************************************************************
And god knows why, but I've been trying to carry WB on my back as well, just to make things even heavier. Whether by misinterpretation and a tendency to want to fix everything or by being asked to, I'm not sure. But I'm trying an experiment to not take everything he says as if I have a personal responsibility to fix it - to just listen, as a loving partner.
Believe it or not, that is Mount Everest for me.
For some obscure but surely ridiculous reason, I feel as if everything in the world is my fault - as if I am personally accountable for everything and everyone in my life.
Wow, that's a lot to heap upon onesself...especially whilst city hopping and working several jobs. Hmmm, perhaps its time to learn the all important phrase "I love you, but that is not my problem."
And now you have just been treated to someone's therapy session...pretty exciting stuff huh? Hello....hello? Are you still awake through this drudge of narcissistic masturbatory self analysis?
Oh fuck it....pass the vodka, the ice cream, and a copy of The Color Purple.
Thanks.
This was the discovery of the day with Lady Charon....and it makes sense. I have both of my parents putting me in a parental/advisor role to such an extent that one will actually say to the other "well Synge thinks its a good idea!". My father calls at least every day for advice, though he couches it; it is me who organizes things so that he can feel comfortable to go hiking, me who has encouraged him to get away more before his head explodes, and me who made him start going to therapy on his own for individual sessions vs. with Maman. Today he said "When did you get to be so wise?" and he has said on several occasions that its like a role reversal and that I'm parenting him.
And that's not okay. I'm supposed to be the child, not the parent. I am supposed to receive nuturing from them, not nurture them. And believe me, I could use a little parenting too you know! This isn't exactly a picnic for me- just because I'm not there every day doesn't mean it doesn't affect me in some way every day. I DON'T GET TO REALLY HAVE MY OWN LIFE FOR CHRISSAKE!! I'm living in a constant limbo between two places getting very burnt out and feeling very hollow and nobody is freaking parenting me! I get love and nurturing from WB and my wonderful friends (when I actually have the time to see them or talk to them) and Lady Charon is somewhat of a parental figure, but I feel like an orphan and I see my parents all the time.
The hurt is compounded by the fact that its only been in the last 10 years or so that I've even had much of a relationship with my parents; growing up they were a bit too caught up in their own dramas of a suffering marriage and the fact that my father would compete with his own kids for my mother's attention (and often won) to really be parents. My brother was my parental figure, and it was when he died that I began to ask my parents to be parents. They stepped up to the plate and together we have been learning how to be parent/child. And now they've abandoned their post and passed along the burden for me to carry for a while.
And they're not supposed to do that!
Once you are a parent, you are a parent for life, the child does not turn around to parent you, but rather passes it along to the next generation. As Lady Charon says, "The generational stream only flows one way".
Can you tell I'm having a little bit of anger over here? Just a teensy bit of rage in this little corner of the blogosphere?
Ladies and gentlemen, the things no one tells you about dealing with the serious illness of a loved one..... the rage. But that's for another 5 million posts...
***********************************************************************
And god knows why, but I've been trying to carry WB on my back as well, just to make things even heavier. Whether by misinterpretation and a tendency to want to fix everything or by being asked to, I'm not sure. But I'm trying an experiment to not take everything he says as if I have a personal responsibility to fix it - to just listen, as a loving partner.
Believe it or not, that is Mount Everest for me.
For some obscure but surely ridiculous reason, I feel as if everything in the world is my fault - as if I am personally accountable for everything and everyone in my life.
Wow, that's a lot to heap upon onesself...especially whilst city hopping and working several jobs. Hmmm, perhaps its time to learn the all important phrase "I love you, but that is not my problem."
And now you have just been treated to someone's therapy session...pretty exciting stuff huh? Hello....hello? Are you still awake through this drudge of narcissistic masturbatory self analysis?
Oh fuck it....pass the vodka, the ice cream, and a copy of The Color Purple.
Thanks.
posted by Le Synge Bleu at 6:28 PM
5 Comments:
You deserve your rage- take it.
(and, by the way, you were a parent to your brother too, not the other way around)
I love you sis; if I had the slightest idea how, I'd be your parent. From one orphan to another, it really sucks, I know.
You are entitled to your rage. It's a terribly unfair situation that you are in. Sometimes life throws us curves. But like I've told you many times before, you will get through it. Maybe I'm just not into the whole therapy thing and maybe Lady Charon is actually quite the sage, but I have to disagree on the parenting thing. Life just isn't black and white like that. And some of us end up in the difficult situation of caring for our parents. It's not an easy task, as you know I am well aware. Frankly, it really fucking sucks. But I know that as much as it is killing you to be so involved, it would kill you more if they were making these choices without you.
You know I am always here to listen to any and all ranting, raving, complaining that you need to get out. I've been there and I've felt all of these things. Rage is part of the package...sometimes a very large part! I wish I was there to hug you and share a bottle of wine. You know where to find me...
Love you,
Becky
thinking of you often. internet cafe card about to run out again... congrats on the indie film.
love,
J
Oh Synge, je suis tres, tres desolee. J'ai l'espoir a tu voir
et t'embrass. Excuse ma Francais mal, ma petit'
So in the Tao it's called Compassion with Detachment. Check out the "Tao of Inner Peace." It was a helpful book for me.
I wrote you a big long comment and then blogger screwed up on me and it got deleted.
But the gist was...you are entitled to feel angry at the world, at your parents. It sucks. It's not fair.
But I do think that most people end up taking care of their parents if they are lucky enough to have parents to take care of. I watch my mom struggle with this every day. I think it makes her angry too sometimes and my grandma is pretty healthy.
There are support groups for people in your position. Not just dealing with cancer. But dealing with being a caregiver to a sick parent. Maybe you should look into that just to talk with some others in the same boat.
Hugs.
Post a Comment
<< Home