Escape From the Clutches of Death! (or something equally as dramatic..make up your own)

I haven't had a cigarette since Thursday. [insert sounds of crowd cheering and applauding]

Yes, its true, after months of fucking around, being "in the process of quitting" and swinging wildly on the addiction pendulum somewhere between 3 and 7 cigarettes per day (and convincing myself this was something to be proud of...) I have rather inadvertantly quit smoking. Well, not inadvertantly, I mean I have been trying to quit, but the final abdication of the inhalation process was rather accidental.

Last week, when I finally returned from taking care of Maman, my body was run down, tired, and crying mutiny at the top of its grody tar stained lungs. I ended up having to go see Doc Harley (he was pretty much the only option seeing as I have no insurance and he's the only doctor I know of who provides affordable healthcare to the uninsured...as you can imagine, WB was less than thrilled with this, but that's for another post that I'll probably never get around to writing...). It turned out I had an upper respiratory infection (no biggie, I used to get them every other week as a small sickly child), pay with your firstborn for antibiotics, yadda yadda yadda...

The conversation turned briefly and abruptly (of course, keep in mind this was Doc Harley, who is not exactly Mr. Manners) to my mother's health, and as I sat there enumerating her various life threatening ailments past and present, all of which were due in some part to smoking, I felt like the world's biggest ass. It suddenly all added up in my head, and the scariness of it all finally superceded the strongest of addictions; it was utterly ridiculous that I never fully digested it before. If I didn't stop smoking, I was surely signing a death certificate, if I haven't already. Here's the amazing laundry list I ignored for so long:

My mother:

• currently has stage iv lung cancer metastasized through her lymphatic system to her brain, adrenal glands, and various surface tumors. due to smoking
  
• recently underwent serious surgery to bypass her aorta, which was almost completely blocked, in order to get blood to her legs. She now has a gortex tube going from just below her right collarbone to both arteries in her left and right groin area. the blockage? due to smoking
  
• had a heart attack 14 years ago due to blood clots....drumroll please....due to smoking
  
• her father died of lung cancer. due to smoking
  

My father:

• his mother died of lung cancer which originally started as breast cancer. However, she was a smoker
  
• just about every relative I've never met on my paternal grandfather and grandmother's side died of cancer. Evidently every time the phone rang in their house, no one wanted to pick up the phone because it meant someone else died of cancer.
  

Umm, gee...runs in the family very heavily on both sides...I think that's pretty good odds, and they're definitely against me.

Doc Harley recommended these nicotine lozenges you suck on, which reduces the physical craving portion of it, but also addresses the mental and behavioral addiction by replacing the behavior with something else. Its like the patch, but for the orally fixated (come on people, be mature!). I got the lowest dosage and I have 2 or 3 a day...I'm starting to phase them out and out regular mints in their place.

So there you have it...the tale of a quitter. I'm telling everyone I know because it well help keep me from a relapse, by virtue of pride alone. I'm off now, mint in mouth, to be crankier but healthier with my smoker boyfriend. Maybe, just maybe I will be a good example...well, at least he sure as hell ain't gonna smoke 'round me.

Thanksgiving...Not Just for Turkeys and November Anymore!

I am back in New York as of about 2 hours ago... a little weary, a little worn, being a bad Jew and totally enamored of Jet Blue. I am a bad Jew because I am working on the holiest day of the year and I'm not fasting because I am a little sick and much more than a little run down. My rationale is that I atoned by way of taking care of Maman all last week, and really it is far more in line with the foundations of Judaism to repent through good deeds and righteous just action than to go to Synogogue and fast out of a sense of mere duty. In keeping with the introspective meaning of today, I actually wrote out a list of the things I am incredibly thankful for in an email to Lady Charon. It was wholly unintentional instrospection, mind you, and not exactly of the atoning sort...but it was such a gratifying and heartening experience to actually sit down and "count my blessings" as it were. I think we forget to do that in general, and its pretty damn important - especially in a stressful and sometimes painful time. So here is what I sent to Lady Charon...which may be a little cryptic and is written more in yoga speak than the oft sarcastic Synge speak, but its a pretty acurate account which just sort of spewed forth from the heart so I'd like to share it. Plus, I thought it was about time for a little bit more of an upbeat post and I'm a bit too tired to find the funny today. So without further ado (as if I were actually capable of that!), here is my list of what I am thankful for today. [editor's note: this list is in no way a complete accounting. Many things may have been left out in error or omitted due to the time constraints presented by sneakily emailing at work. For a complete listing...well, there isn't one. But you try writing this! it takes a while without even cracking the surface!]

"thank you for your beautiful grounding energy throughout all of this -
its huge and wonderful. i saved your voicemail and listened to it whenever
i could, and i felt your love and support with me at all times. such a blessing.

i am in weird transition back - breathing and remaining thankful for what i see as
the bounty of the season - a relationship with my father that is growing and
truly blossoming -there's a closeness there that has never ever been there before
(even amidst sometime frustration), a newfound commitment to making this time
with maman nothing short of quality togetherness -something i maintained a
constant awareness of in the past week, the deep love of a wonderful man and the
love we share together that seems to take firmer root and evolve more and more
each day, the lessons i am learning and teachings i am absorbing more and more
through my work for the school that i feel open my heart and expand my very core
in ways that words can't reallyexpress, my beautiful friends who have come to my
side at a moments notice before i can even say "i need you", my beautiful ruru
whose hand i feel in mine wherever i walk on my path, the wonderful energy i feel
with our "team"when we are rolling with the ideas and bursting with excitement,
ummm...oh,my veggies! my treasured veggies that nourish the body and the
spirit because they are gotten through a community...

wow. i didn't even mean to write that out, but that was a lovely experience! like a little gift to myself in addition to something i wanted to share withyou..but this email is long enough and the faucet that my nose has become needs some attending to.