Escape From the Clutches of Death! (or something equally as dramatic..make up your own)

I haven't had a cigarette since Thursday. [insert sounds of crowd cheering and applauding]

Yes, its true, after months of fucking around, being "in the process of quitting" and swinging wildly on the addiction pendulum somewhere between 3 and 7 cigarettes per day (and convincing myself this was something to be proud of...) I have rather inadvertantly quit smoking. Well, not inadvertantly, I mean I have been trying to quit, but the final abdication of the inhalation process was rather accidental.

Last week, when I finally returned from taking care of Maman, my body was run down, tired, and crying mutiny at the top of its grody tar stained lungs. I ended up having to go see Doc Harley (he was pretty much the only option seeing as I have no insurance and he's the only doctor I know of who provides affordable healthcare to the uninsured...as you can imagine, WB was less than thrilled with this, but that's for another post that I'll probably never get around to writing...). It turned out I had an upper respiratory infection (no biggie, I used to get them every other week as a small sickly child), pay with your firstborn for antibiotics, yadda yadda yadda...

The conversation turned briefly and abruptly (of course, keep in mind this was Doc Harley, who is not exactly Mr. Manners) to my mother's health, and as I sat there enumerating her various life threatening ailments past and present, all of which were due in some part to smoking, I felt like the world's biggest ass. It suddenly all added up in my head, and the scariness of it all finally superceded the strongest of addictions; it was utterly ridiculous that I never fully digested it before. If I didn't stop smoking, I was surely signing a death certificate, if I haven't already. Here's the amazing laundry list I ignored for so long:

My mother:

• currently has stage iv lung cancer metastasized through her lymphatic system to her brain, adrenal glands, and various surface tumors. due to smoking
  
• recently underwent serious surgery to bypass her aorta, which was almost completely blocked, in order to get blood to her legs. She now has a gortex tube going from just below her right collarbone to both arteries in her left and right groin area. the blockage? due to smoking
  
• had a heart attack 14 years ago due to blood clots....drumroll please....due to smoking
  
• her father died of lung cancer. due to smoking
  

My father:

• his mother died of lung cancer which originally started as breast cancer. However, she was a smoker
  
• just about every relative I've never met on my paternal grandfather and grandmother's side died of cancer. Evidently every time the phone rang in their house, no one wanted to pick up the phone because it meant someone else died of cancer.
  

Umm, gee...runs in the family very heavily on both sides...I think that's pretty good odds, and they're definitely against me.

Doc Harley recommended these nicotine lozenges you suck on, which reduces the physical craving portion of it, but also addresses the mental and behavioral addiction by replacing the behavior with something else. Its like the patch, but for the orally fixated (come on people, be mature!). I got the lowest dosage and I have 2 or 3 a day...I'm starting to phase them out and out regular mints in their place.

So there you have it...the tale of a quitter. I'm telling everyone I know because it well help keep me from a relapse, by virtue of pride alone. I'm off now, mint in mouth, to be crankier but healthier with my smoker boyfriend. Maybe, just maybe I will be a good example...well, at least he sure as hell ain't gonna smoke 'round me.