Next Week Maybe I'll Even Tackle Pottytraining

At 31 years of age I am just now learning (hopefully) enough self control not to pick my scabs.

Sad but oh so true.

On Sudden Death vs Fatal Illness

A friend at the sdj just received the news this afternoon that his mother died suddenly. The news was unexpected and the affect positively heartbreaking in such a way that I have no words for it, just a heart that aches for him and what he's going through. There was a domino effect, of course, and everyone within a 10 cube range got on the phone and called their mother, suddenly hyper-aware of the fragility of life.

Everyone except for me.

I mean yes, I did immediately get on the phone and call Maman, of course, but my experience is different because frankly I'm already more than aware of Maman's mortality. In fact her death is not a distant nightmare possibility, the spectre of which can be erased with a simple phone call. Her death is a reality, and a more imminent one than it is for most of my coworkers.

It got me thinking about how surreal it is to live with the knowledge of approaching death. Maman has been talking about it more and more, admitting (at least to me, probably not to my father) that she is dying, and we don't know how much time she has left. It could be 10 months, it could be 10 years (though that is highly unlikely, as her tumors are growing again, she's back on the hard core chemo regime, and her body's tolerance is pretty damn low at this point). But she summed it up well when she said that you can't get consumed by the knowledge that death is a soon-to-be reality, or else you're already dead, completely paralyzed by the idea. I think its definitely similar for those on the survivor end of the spectrum. Even knowing that Maman is going to die... its not a reality I can fully give over to, nor is it a reality I can ignore. I'm not deluding myself into thinking she will get better, because she won't, but I'm also not letting fear take over my life (which I think is what is happening to my father).

When my brother commit suicide, it was both a sudden extreme shock and no surprise whatsoever. He had been mentally ill for a long time (longer than anyone but me knew), and had already tried to commit suicide once before so it was always this looming threat hovering menacingly over every aspect of daily life. I even ran away to Europe for 3 months to escape the fear and the pressure of caring for him. Yet when it finally happened, it felt like such a shocking punch to the gut, knocking the wind right out of me. I think we can't ever fully wrap our heads around death, and even when we know its going to happen, the shock of it can never fully be erased. We can't fathom the finality of it until we are experiencing it.

So in my opinion, knowing that Maman is going to die does not in any way make it an easier pill to swallow than a sudden death, it just means I'm more aware of mortality in general.

And maybe just a teensy bit jealous of those who are blissfully unaware.

Love It

Interspecies Conversation Between a Monkey and a Boar

I sent The Wild Boar a link to this Hemmingway Challenge from the Guradian, which I found via the ever awesome Sarah Brown (who's Cringe night I keep meaning to go to. Somehow I have yet to make it there alive). Here are the emails that followed:

From: Wild Boar To: Le Synge Bleu
Superb new mind. Adversity. Small room.

From: Le Synge Bleu To: Wild Boar
a little obtuse for my taste

From: Wild Boar To: Le Synge Bleu
Wow,obtuse? excuse me
I just threw a pebble
That’s all

From: Le Synge Bleu To: Wild Boar
Main Entry: ob·tuse Pronunciation: äb-'tüs, &b-, -'tyüsFunction: adjectiveb : difficult to comprehend : not clear or precise in thought or expression

From: Wild Boar To: Le Synge Bleu
ob·tuse (ŏb-tōōs', -tyōōs' )adj. ob·tus·er, ob·tus·est
-Lacking quickness of perception or intellect.
-Characterized by a lack of intelligence or sensitivity: an obtuse remark

From: Le Synge Bleu To: Wild Boar
Its used more frequently in the connotation of the first definition*

From: Wild Boar To: Le Synge Bleu
sil·ly Pronunciation[sil-ee] adjective, -li·er, -li·est, noun, plural -lies.
-absurd; ridiculous
-Le Synge Bleu

From: Le Synge Bleu To: Wild Boar
I love you

[* = my very own obtuse remark, due to very awkward phrasing]

This is a rather typical exchange. Yes we are dorks. Dorks who flirt by way of dictionary definitions. Its a damn good thing we found eachother, though the prospect of us procreating is a scary thought indeed.