Still Lucky or Rotating My Perspective

I'm feeling much less freaked out and very thankful for the amazing friends I have in my life. Mr. Saucy Funnybuns already e-mailed me several job postings on craigslist, the motor that runs most facets of life in New York, and asked me to e-mail him my sdj resume so that he can spice it up a bit. Another actor at the sdj is getting me catering contacts this weekend, and my fabulous fairy godmother big sisters, the Wonder Twins, both called and e-mailed with soothing boosts of confidence and offers to help in whatever way they can (as they always do). Mr. Emotionally Unavailable (who should really be renamed after the past couple of weeks, but I enjoy the name too much to change it now) was incredibly sweet and supportive and made me laugh a lot, which I needed to do. My mom, I'll call her Maman, because, well, that's what I normally call her - that or Ma P'tite Maman, somehow transmitted vast amounts of warmth and love telephonically that actually reached my inner self, my core being.

I am feeling more confident and secure in this moment right now. And loved. Things will be okay; I'll make them okay.

I realized that a huge part of it all stemmed from the fact that I've never left a job not of my own volition. Despite the fact that they are unable to retain any temps at this point and that my supervisor was fighting to keep me on as long as possible, I still somehow felt like I was at fault and had fucked up in some monumental unknown way. Its absolutely ridiculous, I realize, but that's the way I was feeling and part of why I was so upset. Its those pesky insecurities at work; the immediate and somewhat crippling assumption that I am wholly unworthy and severely inadequate in some way.

I need to stop trying to be two children at once and realize that I am no longer in competition with my brother, he's dead, and that I'm good enough just in and of myself without trying to somehow compensate for his absence. That's a tall order. I'm working on it.

But I can't be all that inadeqate because my friends are all highly intelligent people, and despite the fact that I am a talented actor, I don't think I could pull the wool over their eyes and merely charm them into thinking I'm more than I am. And the fact is that they are amazing people, so I must be doing something right somewhere in this universe.

When I was a very young monkey, my father used to always say that your friends are your family; this remains my outlook to this very day and I am ever awed and humbled and thankful for the abundance of truly loving and compassionate people I have in my life. I am so incredibly lucky that when shit happens, as it does because such is the nature of life, what I am overwhelmingly confronted with is not misery, but how much love and light I'm surrounded by. Such has been the case for the past few somewhat bumpy weeks.

Kristoise asked in a comment on a post regarding another recent challenging life moment if I still considered myself lucky. The answer is still a resounding and overly emphatic yes.