Go Speedracer! Go!

Okay, so I've been very negectful to my poor wonderful loyal sweet blog who is always waiting faithfully by (except when blogger's on the fritz). What can I say? Truthfully, not much at all...I'm posting on the fly. I'm posting faster than the speed of light. I attempting to boldly blog faster than any blog has been logged before.

I had my third court appearance today for my unlawful arrest at the RNC...blah blah blah...you're all sick of hearing about it by now. Well, I'm sick of going to court; as if I didn't alreadsy hate 100 Centre Street...now I'm becoming quite intimate with it. So my arresting officer doesn't show up, and the DA's office asks for a second call (where they wait and call up your case again...judges don't like doing this; it pisses them off). The judge asks what time the officer was supposed to be there; the DA's office sheepishly replies...this morning. The judge asks, "How long are we supposed to wait around?". He gives them one hour and instructs us to come back at 11:00 - not enough time to even warrant leaving the building. So I hung out with my superhero lawyer, the Godfather of Civil Liberties, and his fab assistant, and we smoked, talked about vaginas (I had my script with me and was working on lines), and laughed quite a bit. Have I mentioned how much I freakin LOVE my lawyer?

We return to courtroom at 11am on the dot, only to find - surprise surprise! - the DA's office is not ready to proceed with their case. Whew, glad I hadn't just missed several hours f work for nothing! Grrrr. So the story is to be continued...on May 5th in fact. If the prosecution is not ready at that time, the case most likely then gets dismissed and sealed based on a speedy trial 30 day rule. (I know, its been way more than 30 days of this whole process, but the clock stops with motions etc..)

Oy! As we were leaving, the godfather of Civil Liberties said, "I think this case is going to die a slow long protracted death." Lovely. At least we're still laughing.

I have more to write but am not blogging faster than the speed of light, as I had hoped, so this must suffice for now. Better to blog briefly than not to blog at all.

Vagina Update

One of my cohorts in producing V-Day Brooklyn 2005 e-mailed me today in response to the casting director's e-mail, and she said something quite wise. She said, "There will be more...you are in the first 5 minutes of your [New York] career. Remember that." Its easy to forget, but oh so true.

I had my first one on one rehearsal for The Vagina Monologues yesterday and it was a thrilling and productive rehearsal. I really love the director, and love how she pushed me to take risks and go further. She doesn't coddle, which is wonderful, as I have an incredible mistrust of directors who coddle their actors. She's also right on the ball about her approach to the show, and the need for it to be an inclusive and empowering event, and is approaching each monologue in terms of ensuring this goal is reached. She's also a really awesome bad ass womyn who doesn't take anything less than what she asks for...I adore her!

Swandad asked me to keep everyone updated on the show, so the new news in case you're not following the VAGINAVLOG, is that we now have advanced ticket sales available through Southpaw's website...yay! We also have a paypal link on the vlog, for easy donations (though not tax deductible as the paypal donations are not being routed through the nonprofit umbrella). The graphic design for the postcards is absolutely amazing, and we should be ready to go to print with them tomorrow - the graphic designer is fucking brilliant, and I highly reccomend him if you ever need a graphic designer for anything. Mr. Artsy Hotpants, who is a godsend despite having gotten me totally off the wall schnockered last night, is helping get a list a press contacts and we will be sending out press releases asap. He's been so incredibly encouraging throughout this whole process and remotivates me whenever I feel exhausted and frustrated. We have our musical performers all lined up, and are still working on getting the seating donated. The Park Slope Safe Homes Project, the organization we are donating the proceeds to, is really excited about the event and will be there with an information table to do further outreach and education about domestic violence prevention. Things are really falling into place wonderfully, despite my constant heart attacks, and I've really been learning so much throughout the process. I'm so excited, because I honestly think its going to be a great event...Mr. Artsy Hotpants thinks we can sell out both nights!

Okay, enough writing...I could go on and on about this for hours as this has been the majority of my life lately. But I really need to go to bed.

The Tip of the Iceberg

I did not get a callback...such is the nature of the business. I'm still celebrating the victories of even getting the audition and the wonderful feedback given.

I got an e-mail from the casting director this morning, which is quite possibly the most wonderful and inspiring e-mail I've ever received. He apologized profusely for having taken so long to get back to me about the audition, which he did not have to do at all...he's a freakin' major casting director, he could've just said "you are released from holding the 30th" or whatever. But no, he apologized several times and even said something about how in class he stressed how hard the business can be and how people can be jerks and he was ashamed to have personally proven that assertion to me. Excuse me, when and in what way did he prove that assertion? He's been anything but a jerk, and his investment in me has proven:

1. Casting directors are people too. They want you to do well because it makes them look great. They are neither gods nor monsters and should not be regarded or treated as if they are omnipotent. They can and do root for you.
2. A good class is a very smart investment. You either take classes because you want to further hone your craft or because of who you will meet and what connections they provide. Occasionally you find an amazing class that does both. Go with your gut and the reccomendation of actors that are booking jobs...they're obviously doing so for a reason.
3. I am really fucking lucky.

He then said (and this was too awesome not to copy and re-post verbatim):

"Anyway, onward and upward. You're an extremely talented actress and if I'm lucky enough to convince you to come in for me again, I'll call you in as often as I can. You have my sincere apologies and my great respect."

Wow. Convince me? Like any actor would be stupid enough to not come in for an audition when called? There's no need to convince me! I'm begging for auditions! We're talking a pretty major casting agency here. The respect part is what really gets me. I'm a sucker for that word. And I don't doubt his sincerity because he has no reason whatsoever to bullshit me; I never saw him bullshit anyone in class, myself included. He called me on the times when I tried to rely on my actor bag of tricks, when I didn't trust myself or let fear keep me from taking risks, and he pushed me to give the most I could give. He was also always right on the money in his class assesments of everyone's work. This is why I trust his opinion implicitly.

So I wrote him back, in my usual overly verbose fashion:

This is quite possibly the most wonderful and inspiring e-mail I’ve ever received! Its the kind of thing I will keep and reference when I find myself down and discouraged to re-motivate and re-energize me. Its a priceless gift to feel like someone believes in your talent and is rooting for you; thank you for that gift.

There is no need to apologize at all! I took absolutely no offense and (rightly) assumed you were quite busy. You definitely show your roots as an actor in this; you clearly remember the nail biting agony of waiting! :) I know full well that most actors are not lucky enough to even necessarily get feedback on their auditions and I am really more thankful for the incredible cheerleading I’ve received than I can even begin to articulate.

What I am going away from my first ever commercial audition with is that I am thrilled to have been called in in the first place, I am incredibly excited about the positive feedback and knowing that I can and hopefully did translate all I learned in class into practice, and a newly padded sense of confidence in myself. Despite not getting a callback, I choose to see this as an empowering experience in what can too often be a not-so-empowering business. Yes, the business can be very hard, but its ultimately my choice as to how hard I allow it to be. One of the many important things I left your class with was a renewed sense of trust and belief in myself and my work, and how incredibly important it is to hold on to and maintain that.

Oh boy, I’m going on and on here! Forgive me for my blabbering...brevity is not a concept I’ve ever been able to grasp...

I am honored to have your respect; the feeling is most definitely mutual. You are a rare breed of teacher that encompasses the true definition of the word.

The ordeal is over; I have survived and come out of it feeling great about myself, my work, and my future in this business. What a fucking unheard of miracle to have such a great experience! I cannot stress enough how fortunate I am and what a great beginning this all is. I have been cocooning for my first year and a half in New York, gathering strength and learning the ropes, and am now breaking out full force. I feel poised on the edge of many exciting things to come. Its a thrilling time indeed.

Friday, March 25, 2005

Hanging Indefinitely

Well, still no word from the casting director. I'm feeling much better about it today though. It's just the waiting that is unbearable. Now that yesterday is gone and the day of waiting is over, I can relax about it. I usually am quite even keeled about this sort of thing and don't get my hopes up; I've leared to just audition and let it go. However, this is hard to do when a casting director e-mails you and says "You will most likely have a callback for Universal sometime on Friday. Hold the 30th for the shoot".

Mr. Saucy Funnybuns, who used to be an actor on Broadway and on a soap, explained to me that usually a casting director will call your agent and put you on hold, so to speak, for a certain date when they're considering you. He said the actor doesn't necessarily know about it, but the agent knows not to send them out on anything that day while they're on hold. Since I don't have an agent, this is what the casting director was doing; its standard practice. Well now I know, and I learned an important lesson about not getting my hopes up until I have a signed contract in hand. I knew that before, but somehow forgot it.

There are still really great positive things about this whole experience - the fact that I even got the audition, the great feedback across the board, and the fact that I will clearly be called in again by this casting director.

It is odd, however, that he didn't e-mail me to tell me it was definintely not happening; because of our personal relationship of student/teacher and the e-mails already sent, I would have definitely thought he'd contact me either way. This means either he's swamped and I will be hearing from him when things calm down, or that the client still has not made their decision and callbacks have been pushed back. As the second option is not a rare occurrance, I'm definitely hoping for the latter. We'll see. I'm not anxiously waiting like yesterday, and that's a good thing.

What a crazy business this is, really.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Frustrated and Sad

No word yet.

Damn.

The Nail Biting Wait

So I responded to the casting director's e-mail with a very excited reply. This is what I found in my inbox today:

"Ouch, that was loud!
[editor's note: this was in response to me writing "aaaaaeeeeiiiiii! (shreik of joy and excitement)" in my e-mail]

I'm thrilled you're thrilled. But keep in mind that they are culling down their choices today, so I may have to rescind. (Take a deep breath and repeat three times: Out of my control, out of my control...) In any event, however, it was a great audition, the first of many, I know.
Big :)s."

So now the anxious stomach lurching self reproaching edgy wait begins. He's right, its totally out of my control...its the silly ad people and corporate people who decide these things. What I have to remember is that its huge that I even got the audition and even more huge that I've gotten all of this amazing feedback from him. From the sound of this last e-mail, it seems as though I will be called in to that particular casting agency again.

I'm still celebrating, though naseaously so.

This is not the fun part of this business.

Slightly Disturbing Alien Outreach

My friend sent me this story about how they beamed a bunch of Craig's List postings into outer space for aliens to access. Hmmm. Why do I find this slightly disturbing? Perhaps because craigslist is widely used for casual sex hookups. (I just use it for furniture. Seriously. Where do you think i got my fabulous loft bed from?) The aliens are going to get quite a lot more info than they ever wanted to know about our culture!

They’re also going to be mortified at New York rents.

(Now I'm really going to bed, I promise.)

I Done Good

I got an e-mail from the casting director who was my commercial acting technique teacher who called me in to audition for a national spot last Friday; the contents are pasted below.

"You will most likely have a callback for Universal sometime on Friday. Hold the 30th for the shoot, and I'll let you know by tomorrow afternoon if it's definitely happening. You done good!"

Aaaaaahhhhh! I Done Good!

This is huge! So fucking exciting!

I gotta get to bed; its 3:45am.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Self Humiliation

So The Defeatist has been asking me to post an audioblog of me singing. I warned him of just how scary a prospect this was, but he insisted. It sounds best when the computer's volume is on mute. The song is Girl Shanty from a CD by The Accidentals, and its kind of become the theme song of the VAGINAVLOG. Umm, don't blame me for this...go yell at The Defeatist. It's his fault.

For the Sexy Director - Moliere Pronunciation

This audioblog post is for a friend of mine, the sexy director, who needed some help from me with the French pronunciation of some of the characters' names in a Moliere play he's directing. I told him I would post an audioblog so that he could reference it whenever needed. Funny how useful a blog can be in many unexpected ways.

Update En Route to a Train Bound For Glory

I posted this last night on my walk to the subway, of course, as time is at a premium these days. For those without audio, I lamented the lack of time and my business for a bit. Then came the boy update- Mr. Guarded Illumination took me out Sunday night for a very late nice dinner after rehearsal; it was a lovely evening, and, well, I spent the night in Queens. Monday night too. But he's actually coming on a bit too strong for me, so I'll be taking bets on how long before I run. He calls every day. I don't want to speak to anyone every day, especially if I'm dating them. I feel suffocated quite easily; its my downfall. Mr. Emotionally Unavailable is travelling Paraguy at the moment, but will return soon and I'm looking forward to that. He's been torturing me with e-mail updates on his travels (sent to a group, not just to me, but still quite the surprise) and making me insanely jealous of his adventures. Then I hung up abruptly because I heard the train. I ran like mad only to find it was a downtown train and not an uptown one as I needed. It took me forever to get home.

I feel like I'm neglecting this blog a bit, but unfortunately things are a bit crazy right now and I'm forced to prioritize. Its about to get even crazier (and I'm about to get even less sleep), as I will begin working soon for Mr. Saucy Funnybuns' friend, The Mighty Event. The Mighty Event is an event planner, and I'll be telecommuting doing data entry for now and contacting new clients later in whatever not-so-copious free time I can scrounge up (read 3-5am?). This is good though, as it will suppliment my meager income for now and help me transition when the sdj ends. Its rather perfect for me, as its ultimate flexibility and I absolutely adore The Mighty Event. He is an event in and of himself.

The Vagina Monologues are going well, though at times the producing end of things is quite frustrating. We just put a paypal link on the vlog, which I sent out to everyone I've ever met before, and advanced ticket sales will be up on the venue site any day now. I'm interested in seeing how the vlog will work as a marketing tool - I think its a rather revolutionary strategy taking advantage of the internet for publicity and capitalizing on the whole blogging/vlogging thing. Plus documenting process is always a really interesting thing and we've gotten some really good feedback on it thus far. I'm so excited to be a part of this project; its been a really good thing for me personally as well as hopefully professionally.

I feel whole. Tired, but whole.

Monday, March 21, 2005

Good Surprises

I knew I wouldn't have time to sit down and write out my good news, so I took the slacker route and decided upon an audioblog post (done on the fly walking from teh train to the sdj this morning)just to make sure I didn't forget to share my excitement. Things are going really well, wheels are beginning to turn, and I'm excited to see where the journey on a whole takes me.

Editorial Revision:
An anonymous commenter noted that not everyone has access to a sound card. Being without such a luxury at the sdj, I should have been more sensitive, especially with the amount of audioposts I've been doing lately. I apologize.

The good news is that I was called in by the casting director who was teaching my commercial class to audition for a national spot for Universal Orlandoi Resorts last Friday. After my second take and re-slating, my ex-teacher turned off the camera, looked over at me, and said "You made me proud." Okay, getting the audition was huge enough...especially with no representation. Its like turning water into wine. But then, to get such great feedback...needless to say I was on cloud 9. When I remarked that I was probably able to do a better job because the audition was for my teacher and I'm comfortable with him, he then replied, "No, you're good enough thaht you can do that for anyone." Wow! A major major commercial casting director thinks I'm talented. This is amazing. This is mind blowing. This is inspiring!

So that's the gist of the news, condensed a bit as I have tons of work to do for the show and must get cracking.
PLEASE VISIT THE VAGINA VLOG! We need hits, comments, and the word spread. Grassroots publicity, that's what its all about.

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Too Exhausted to Post

I'm so sorry that I've left you with nothing but Tueday's ultra-depressing post for so long...I'll be quite surprised if anyone's still reading this after being subjected to that. I haven't been wallowing since then, just entirely too insanely busy to even post a quick little something. Its been a thrilling ride, though, and I have much good news to share...pee in your pants good news at that! But alas, cruel bitch that I am, I am going to have to leave you hanging as I'm so overly exhausted that I can barely see the computer. I need to go to sleep right this second or I might spontaneously combust. Thank you for the e-hugs...the blogosphere is entirely too kind to me.

Could anyone send a little e-rest my way too? Please?

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

The Ides Kicked My Ass

The ides of march - no matter how prepared or immune I believe myself to be, this day kicks my ass every year. Happy Anniversary - 6 years! You're still dead (not that I really expected that to change or anything) and I'm still heartbroken by the choice you made. I look for you in little moments - found objects, rooftops, cumin, climbing trees, and piercing wind.

I've forgotten your voice - you've been rendered mute save the few bits of writing I managed to save. While there were definitely times I wished for that when you were alive, it makes me so sad that your voice has faded completely away. It's only your eyes, lids perpetually lowered to half mast and pupils much lighter and more vibrant than mine, that remain. That and your smirk, with its lopsided patronizing smugness. I would like to exchange the smirk for your voice, as the smirk is not how I want to remember you.

I would rather picture your goofiness, rarely on display in the latter years of your life. The mischevious litle kid smile with your ever-present little old man wrinkles at the corners of your mouth and eyes. Even when you were a little boy you had funny little old man wrinkles. Before your eyes turned opaque and restless, that is. Then the wrinkles were no longer charming, but somehow became deep canyons carved by something that could not possibly be a smile.

I miss you.

Monday, March 14, 2005

Vajama Party

Wow. its the prodigal audioblog finally returned home after years of wandering...I posted this Sunday afternoon, and thought it lost forever in the blogosphere.

Friday, March 11, 2005

Mr. Emotionally Unavailable Makes Me Sick. Literally.

As you're probably really bored with hearing about how tired, stressed, and time compressed my life is right now, I thought I'd give you (and myself) a break from my kvetching about work and give you a stupid boy du jour update; my dating life usually tends to prove an entertaining subject at the very least.

Monday night I went out with Mr. Guarded Illumination from Abar (not its real name) thus moving swiftly along the gamut of Abar employees obsessed with the weird blogging girls. You have to admit, it is a bit bizarre to date two friends from the same bar in succession; I almost feel like I'm being passed around like a tray of hors doeuvres. When I was 19 years old, I moved to Chicago for the summer and worked at a French Restaraunt where many of the employees were asking me out. While I thought this very odd, I was also quite flattered and of course, enjoyed the attention. Towards the end of the summer, it was revealed to me that the reason all the men at the restaraunt were so friendly and helpful was that there was a betting pool as to who would bed me first; an actual betting pool! Needless to say that event factored into my present hesitation, despite the fact that I am certainly not what I was at 19.

He was supposed to go with me to see a friend's workshop production of a new play, but ended up unable to get there in time from his pool league's game. After the show, I walked from the West Village to the East Village, where we met for drinks. I was quite low energy and a bit stressed about all of the other things I should have been doing with my evening, but that melted away a bit as I relaxed and enjoyed talking to him. It was actually very cute how he kissed me; I was saying that I'm generally a very direct person, to which he replied that he needed some directness in his life and then he kissed me. While I'm not certain he suffers from any lack of directness, as illustrated by his actions, it was really a bit charming. Then again I'm easily charmed.

And then came the inevitable push to get in my pants.

Now I most definitely enjoy sex, make no mistake about that, but I'd like a little grace period here...especially before schlepping out to Queens. Mr. Guarded Illumination does get points for his honesty and directness - his approach was along the lines of "we're both attracted to eachother, let's go have sex now." He quickly lost those points by virtue of sheer persistance bordering on annoyance. No matter how you spin it to me, if I'm tired, stressed and its just not the best schedule wise I'm not going to suddenly say "well fuck the show, let's go have sex right now!" The more you persist and insist, the less attractive you quickly become.

Which brings me to my next point...I enjoy my independence greatly. If I happen to be at your place of employment soon after a date where I did not go home with you, and I am working, coming by every 5 minutes will not get you any closer to having sex with me. In fact, it will make me look quite rude in virtually ignoring you because I am trying to get some fucking work done. Work time is work time and social time is social time; don't take it personally, I just happen to have a strong work ethic and uberfocus. This does not mean I do not want to go out on a second date, it means I'm trying desperately to be productive because I'm on a fucking timeline and want to get this show up and do it well.

Mr. Guarded Illumination is not so guarded anymore and is coming on a bit strong. Or perhaps its a timing issue; this is not exactly the best time for me to be begining something new, especially feeling as overwhelmed and stressed as I have been. He's really a great guy who I enjoy talking to, I just don't want an instant relationship; I guess I tend to get scared off quite easily. I suppose we'll just see where this goes.

I've also been really enjoying spending time with Mr. Emotionally Unavailable. After so much drama, we've finally seemed to have found some sort of simplicity while maintaining the closeness. Its been very nice indeed. He left yesterday for several weeks of travelling abroad and I think I might actually miss him quite a bit. I spent Tuesday night at his place, which was perfect as I was so anxious about the next day's court appearance and his breathing and occasional snoring was quite soothing in the long hours unable to sleep. Despite his unpredictablility he's actually an incredibly comforting presence in my life; I do know and trust that he cares about me and I certainly care about him. As I was leaving Wednesday morning, I said "I might actually miss you...but probably not."

I'm trying to just enjoy spending time with him and not worry about whether or when it will end and defining where we are; this somehow enables me to be much freer and less guarded. We've had such a tumultuous run up until now though, that it seems unbelievable to have this ease. It makes me wonder how much of our previous problems were caused by looking too much ahead and not really being present in the moment. He's also been very emotionally available and supportive recently; I'm sure that makes a difference. It's certainly a lesson in relaxing and letting things flow.

As a parting gift to remember him by in his absence, Mr. Emotionally Unavailable was kind enough to give me a lovely cold. I had to cancel everything for tonight, as I currently feel like I've been crushed by a steamroller and have knives constantly going down the back of my throat. I'm going to rest tonight and hopefully be rid of it by tomorrow, as I cannot afford to be sick right now.

I'm going to bed now.
Alone, don't worry.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Send In the Clowns or My Criminal Court Case Part II

So I'm back from my second bought at 100 Centre Street, and quite pleased with the outcome thus far. The evil but not-so-intelligent and/or thorough DA's Office made a very stupid mistake in writing up the complaint against me and my fabulous lawyer brilliantly caught it, thus resulting in the necessary elimination of one of the charges against me.

I love my lawyer and his inherent sense of humor; his eyes twinkle with a subversive mischieviousness and he makes the frustrating and scary ordeal almost fun at times.I wanted to throw my arms around him in a huge bear hug, but settled for a kiss on the cheek and then of course demanded another for the other cheek for balance (habbit, not pretention). I had written him an e-mail late last week in which I addressed him as the "Godfather of Civil Liberties", and in his response he questioned that title, saying "And what's with all this Godfather stuff anyway?" As we exited the courtroom, I turned to him, grinning from ear to ear, and said "And you dare to question your moniker as the Godfather of Civil Liberties?".

We laughed and walked out into the frigid wind that slices through every layer you could possibly stack upon your person and celebrated this mini-victory; hopefully the first of many to come.

The VAGINA VLOG Is Up and Running!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am thrilled to present VAGINA VLOG, a work in progress documenting the process of 6 wonderful ladies and their interactions, passions, frustrations, fears, laughs, and bonding as they learn how to build a project from the ground up. It's all about the "making of" The Vagina Monologues!This is a rough working copy; much more will be added in the next few days. But please, visit(often), comment (often), and enjoy the brilliant and fun first intro video - then definitely spread the word!

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Where's My Freakin' Deus Ex Machina? or The Little Activist That Couldn't

Today is International Womyn's Day. I was supposed to go to the Code Pink march for Womyn's Rights as a part of the Global Week of Action for Womyn's Rights. The United Nations is currently re-evaluating, on its 10th anniversary, the Beijing Declaration that was created in the Forth World Conference on Womyn. In a time where it certainly feels as though we are moving backwards, and not forwards, in terms of womyn's rights both globally and locally, its pretty imperative that we fight for continued progress and prevent a backslide.

I'm not there, however, and feeling immensely guilty for it.

The Ladies of Liberty were supposed to perform at the rally and be a presence in the march; Code Pink had asked for our official endorsement to put on all materials. The performance was never confirmed, and very few ladies were able to attend. As I was about to walk out of the door to go to the march, I received a phone call from one of the ladies, who said that it was down to just the two of us in terms of a Ladies of Liberty presence. We both have crazy schedules for today; it was already quite difficult for me to make the march and rally as is. We jointly opted to not go.

My measly excuse for lack of participation is a huge amount of work to do for the show, 2 meetings to attend this evening that I have yet to prepare for, an already substantial lack of paid hours this week, another court date in my criminal trial tomorrow that I have yet to prepare for, looming unemployment that I have yet to do shit about, and the cold snow that my already precarious health does not need to be subjected to. I also have yet to file both last year's and this year's taxes and yet to locate where in the mountain of scattered crap that is my room the necessary papers are.

I am not freaking out, I am not freaking out, I am not freaking out....

Captain Resistance just called and told me that it would be best if I did not have an aneurism and that I needed to take at least several moments in the day and just meditate. He's quite right; my mind could definitely use some quieting.

My lawyer also e-mailed in response to a rather pathetic attempt on my part to quell my fears about tomorrow. He said the prosecution will most likely not be ready, and that even if they are, so are we (so there! nanny nanny boo boo Mr. District Attorney!). I will be put on the stand, and he said not to worry about that, to just be myself and tell my story. Okay, sure, no big deal whatsoever. I don't necessarily do well under pressure. He clearly doesn't know that I do much better with a script and loathe improv. I do love my lawyer though; he's the president of the New York City chapter of the National Lawyer's Guild, an organization that has been amazingly helpful throughout the whole process. The NLG are the watchdogs of our civil liberties and exist to defend and safeguard our first amendment rights. I fucking love and am wholeheartedly thankful for the NLG. They are my heroes.

I love the sense of humor inherent in the universe that created the law stating that everything must descend upon you in your life en masse. I'm laughing so fucking hard at that one that I'm forgetting to breathe.

Not that I'm a little stressed or anything, don't worry.

Where's my freaking deus ex machina when I need one?

Monday, March 07, 2005

She Works Hard For No Money. So Hard For No Money. She Works Hard For No Money, So You'd Better Treat Her Right!

The end of an exhausting action packed weekend; I need a weekend from my weekend, or at least a good night's sleep.

I keep repeating to myself that its a good sort of stress, and I do feel wholly alive for throwing my energy, time , and resources into things I really care about rather than wasting them all on self deprication and mini dramas of my own devising. Although I may not sound it at 3am, I am happy to be this crazy busy and to have almost every moment of my life for the next month completely taken up by various projects and minutely scheduled in my overflowing iCal calendar program.

That is if I do not suffer an aneurism or spontaneously combust first; keep your fingers crossed.

I am learning these days that I am capable of far more than I ever thought myself to be and that I bring far more to the table in terms of my own personal input than I generally give myself credit for. It is a good feeling to be aware of my own worth and to challenge my preconceived notions of supposed limitations.

I am woman, hear me snore!
(at least at this ungodly hour with work at the stupid day job looming in the all too near distance)

Sunday, March 06, 2005

Synge A La Francaise

I recieved a request by one of my readers to do an audioblog entry in Fench.

The translation is as follows:
"Hi, It's Le Synge Bleu. [Fellow Blogger] asked me to do an audioblog in French, so that's what I'm doing right now. But I don't know at all what to say, and no one can understand it anyway, so why say anything important. But anyway, for [Fellow Blogger] here's my audioblog in French. Have a great day; I hope everything's going well for everyone. 'Bye."

For those not in the know, I'm half French and have the European passport to prove it. Dual citizenship and all, though I have yet to excercise my right to vote in France. Its hard enough keeping politically involved here! I really should, since I can. Perhaps that will be a new year's resolution next year; I have my plate more than full for this year.

Marie's Crisis

Just what you wanted to hear - noisy unintelligible drunken musical theatre songs. Little Orphan Annie, please note the shout out from Mr. Artsy Hotpants; we were thinking of you and missing you.

It was a very odd night at Marie's Crisis, with an unusal abundance of straight people who were quite rude and talking very loudly while people were singing solos. If you want to sing musical theatre, go to Marie's Crisis; if you want to talk, go somewhere else.

Despite the somewhat rude crowd, Mr. Artsy Hotpants and I had a really great night. The piano player flirted with him all night and we sang and drank until 3am. We saw a guy who was from our hometown, who MAH recognized (I lost the bet that he was from our hometown and now must cook MAH dinner) and it turns out that I knew his sister from a community theatre production of Annie we did together 14 or 15 years ago (she was of course something like 9 years old at the time). New York is so often much smaller than it seems.

Saturday, March 05, 2005

On the Run

I'm knocking over old ladies and small children in my mad hurried dash to get home while posting an audioblog to keep you updated on my hectic busy day; now that's multitasking with love.

We had a wonderful meeting for the Vagina Monologues and now I am incredibly excited but overwhelmed with all that must be done. Our company is officially called Mighty Yawp Productions, and we now have a non-profit umbrella through which we can funnel tax deductible donations (which means I have to write a fundraising letter to be ready to send out by Wednesday...yikes!) My Little Vidipookikins' incredibly talented brother, The Crazy Pirate, is going to do the postcard design, which is a huge stroke of good fortune as he's a phenomenal artist who does design work for a lot of theatres. When I called him to beg for his help, his response was "of course, you're family." How lucky am I to have such a great extended "family" (even if he wouldn't ride the cyclone with me at Coney Island last summer)?

We went to see the space where we will definitely be doing it; the infamous Southpaw in Brooklyn, which is a very well known music club that was rated one of the top 5 venues in all of New York City by Time Out NY. I absolutely love the place! As its a V-Day event, we're working on making it much more than just a show; we're hopefully going to have bands after and possibly before the play. We're also looking to get plastic inflatable couches donated for the seating, which we well then paint in whatever vagina themed way we choose, along with any and all fucky creative womyn we can find to help out. I'm excited about all of our ideas and although we definitely disagree on some artistic approaches to the actual play (which will be the directors job to have a vision of anyway), I love the womyn I'm working with.

The creativity flowed, as did the wine, and we are off and running at hyper speed.

Friday, March 04, 2005

The Indian Food Panacea

I have no idea why I felt the need to share my lunch with you; evidently it was vitally important at the time. That or it was an excuse to be an annoying whiny fuck and piss and moan about how tired I am. Boo-hoo for me. No one likes a whiner, myself included.

I did feel slightly better afterwards though.

A Stinky Start

Let's hope that the way you start your day does not, in fact, dictate how your day will go.

The Anti-Morning Monkey

I am normally not awake at this hour unless I have yet to go to sleep, which is practically the case here this morning. I woke up at about 3:30am (after going to bed at 1:30am under the mistaken notion that I would get a good night's sleep for once) and have been unable to sleep since. I read for a long time, I tossed and turned and did a whole acrobatic routine for hours, but all to no avail. To assume that today will be an endlessly long ordeal is probably an understatement; I'm already exhausted, and the day has yet to begin. Normally you have to beat me upside my head repeatedly while dousing me in ice cold water for me to even approach territory remotely akin to awake in the morning, so i just felt the need to document that I was indeed up at this inhumane hour of the morning.

Still Lucky or Rotating My Perspective

I'm feeling much less freaked out and very thankful for the amazing friends I have in my life. Mr. Saucy Funnybuns already e-mailed me several job postings on craigslist, the motor that runs most facets of life in New York, and asked me to e-mail him my sdj resume so that he can spice it up a bit. Another actor at the sdj is getting me catering contacts this weekend, and my fabulous fairy godmother big sisters, the Wonder Twins, both called and e-mailed with soothing boosts of confidence and offers to help in whatever way they can (as they always do). Mr. Emotionally Unavailable (who should really be renamed after the past couple of weeks, but I enjoy the name too much to change it now) was incredibly sweet and supportive and made me laugh a lot, which I needed to do. My mom, I'll call her Maman, because, well, that's what I normally call her - that or Ma P'tite Maman, somehow transmitted vast amounts of warmth and love telephonically that actually reached my inner self, my core being.

I am feeling more confident and secure in this moment right now. And loved. Things will be okay; I'll make them okay.

I realized that a huge part of it all stemmed from the fact that I've never left a job not of my own volition. Despite the fact that they are unable to retain any temps at this point and that my supervisor was fighting to keep me on as long as possible, I still somehow felt like I was at fault and had fucked up in some monumental unknown way. Its absolutely ridiculous, I realize, but that's the way I was feeling and part of why I was so upset. Its those pesky insecurities at work; the immediate and somewhat crippling assumption that I am wholly unworthy and severely inadequate in some way.

I need to stop trying to be two children at once and realize that I am no longer in competition with my brother, he's dead, and that I'm good enough just in and of myself without trying to somehow compensate for his absence. That's a tall order. I'm working on it.

But I can't be all that inadeqate because my friends are all highly intelligent people, and despite the fact that I am a talented actor, I don't think I could pull the wool over their eyes and merely charm them into thinking I'm more than I am. And the fact is that they are amazing people, so I must be doing something right somewhere in this universe.

When I was a very young monkey, my father used to always say that your friends are your family; this remains my outlook to this very day and I am ever awed and humbled and thankful for the abundance of truly loving and compassionate people I have in my life. I am so incredibly lucky that when shit happens, as it does because such is the nature of life, what I am overwhelmingly confronted with is not misery, but how much love and light I'm surrounded by. Such has been the case for the past few somewhat bumpy weeks.

Kristoise asked in a comment on a post regarding another recent challenging life moment if I still considered myself lucky. The answer is still a resounding and overly emphatic yes.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Goodbye SDJ

I am not overly attached to my stupid day job, but the flexibility is absolutely ideal and priceless...and about to be done and over with. I just spoke with my supervisor, and it appears that I am now out of a stupid day job - or will be, rather, after March 18th. They are not allowing any more temps (I've refused to go permanent because I am an actor, and not a stupid day job slave; I want to make sure I always maintain that distinction and the flexibility that goes along with it) thus I am about to be unemployed.

On the one hand, perhaps this is a good thing, as I am grossly underpaid and have been having great difficulty paying the rent. On the other hand, the timing is not at all ideal, what with all the work I am doing on the show etc. So I have no idea what I will do now; probably contact the temp agency I am paid through but have never spoken with or laid eyes on and see what they can give me for now. i can explore other options such as waiting tables once the show is finished.

I'm tryng not to freak out about this; its not the end of the world at all, and has nothing whatsoever to do with my career. But its still shitty news, despite my disdain for the sdj; especially living as precariously hand to mouth (or credit card to mouth quite often)as I do.

I know Mr. Saucy Funnybuns will immediately help me find new flexible work; he's been sending me Craig's List posts for some time now and urging me to leave the underpaid but comfortable flexibility of this place. It's just difficult to stay calm in the moment.

I called mr. Emotionally Unavailable because I was a little frazzled (to say the least) and he was very sweet and worried about me. He asked what would make me feel better; I said I didn't know. He then said "Wanna do it after work?", which seems totally insensitive, but the truth is that yes, that would make me feel better. It sounds like quite the asshole comment to make, but its not. We have our own odd way of communicating; the translation is "I'm concerned and I give a shit, do you need my comfort and support?". So I may not have a job, but at least I'm getting some action this evening.

See. I haven't lost my sense of humor...yet.

And before everyone (especally my longtime dear friends who read this blog) jumps down my throat for jumping Mr. EU, we've actually been spending a fair amount of "quality time" together since the last time I mentioned him. It's been surprisingly simple and nice; we've really been just enjoying eachother's company. I have no idea where we are and if this is the begining of Round IV, but I strangely don't feel the need to push it or define it. I've totally let go of that and rediscovered my ability to live in the moment. The truth is that we care about eachother and enjoy spending time together; for now, that is enough. Tuesday night I spent the night there and we just talked and read and cuddled with eachother; that was all. Clearly it is not a fuck buddy deal, as there wasn't any fucking going on but I was still invited to stay the night. It was actually really dorky sweet and tender and oh-so-comforting. So I am utterly clueless as to what the hell we're doing, but that's okay right now. I'm just taking it moment by moment for whatever it may be and thankful for the fact that when I'm upset about losing my crappy stupid day job, he cares (even if he verbalizes these things in a way that infuriates My Little Vidipookikins to no end).

I have an extreme aversion to change sometimes, but change is almost always a good thing. I need to remember that this is just fear, and it will undoubtedly be for the best. It can be kind of exciting to think this has finally pushed me to ecplore other sdj options, and the possibilities are endless.

I just have to stop freaking out and breathe first.

No Talent No Jobba

I’ve been in a very weird mood tonight. I found myself terribly down, after a not-so-successful class this evening. We were doing non-verbal improvisations, which are actually not all that rare in commercial audition scenarios. I have a horrendous fear of improv and I crave direction; when left to my own devices I either come out brilliantly or fail horrendously. I was towards the latter end of the spectrum this evening.

Yet again, it was a question of trusting myself, and yet again I proved that I have yet to learn how. My teacher even told me tonight, “You’re wanting to get it right and you’re afraid of getting it wrong. You can do this, stop trying to convince yourself you can’t. You are doing it. You’re doing it well. So let go of that need to be perfect and have fun, because that’s what’s missing”. I almost made me want to cry, because his assessment was so frighteningly accurate and that’s historically such a problem for me – that need for perfection. Later, he told the whole class “You have chosen acting as a profession because you love it. Auditions are 10 minutes out of the day when you get to actually do what you love. Enjoy those 10 minutes. You can either see it as a life or death horrendous and monumental thing or you can have fun doing what you love most.” Very wise words.

In addition to the need for perfection as the root of my fear, I also know that insecurities about my appearance are most definitely at play here. I’ve been feeling like a gargantuan monolithic jaba the hut with pimples, wrinkles and cavernous troughs under my eyes. I’ve been feeling horrendous about my appearance; a situation not improved by the fact that I had to buy an emergency skirt this morning on my way into the stupid day job (because I did not spend the night at my own apartment last night; the post college version of the walk of shame) and it was a most depressing size.

So now I’m feeling like a monolithic pimply faced wrinkled black-eyed jaba the hut who’s completely devoid of talent and should just resign myself to a fate of perpetual stupid day jobs from which no apocalypse will even save me.

Of course this is exactly what my teacher was saying I should stop doing.

See, I’m wholly lacking in listening comprehension as well!

But tomorrow is another day, and I should just go put an end to this one so that I am not exhausted for the upcoming new day that will undoubtedly prove much better than this one turned to be. It was a long day of running all over town – from midwest to northeast to southwest at breakneck speed; it is no wonder I am feeling tired and down on myself.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

A Little New York-ed Moment For You

Why I love this city: surprise Asian bands parading in costumes. I thought you might enjoy a little snippet. I have to confess my pathetic failure on the multiculturalism front; the band was actually Japanese. I was just going with what some other innocuous spectator told me; I was wrong. Note to self- read printed material before opening big fat mouth.

I then went to the Sixth Street Community Center to pick up my veggies and spent forever talking to the amazing people there. I told them all about The Vagina Monologues, and they're all super supportive and planning on coming out to see it. It's such a wonderful open environment there, and the two people that run it are so sweet; they've been very interested in following my court case and my career; they're activists themselves...food activists campaigning against genetically engineered food. I love my veggie people!

Now I'm at Abar (not it's real name), having my weekly blogging session with My little Vidipookikins. The Other doorman, Mr. Guarded Illumination, came over to talk to me and kind of almost asked me out. It was very odd; he said I smelled good (to which I gave my standard reply of "It's amazing what a little soap and water can do when I remember to use it") and then started to say something else but stopped himself. I inquired what he was purposely omitting, and he said he wanted to ask me something but had to talk it over with Mr. Mama's Tatoo of All Trades first. I said "Why?" and He replied that it was because we had gone out, because we had dated for a while. For a while? Where was I? The last time I checked, Mr. Mama's Tatoo of All Trades and I had one date, slept together, and then he freaked out and disappearred despite his assertions that he wanted to get to know me and was infatuated with me. Excuse me, but how the hell does this translate into dating? I'm lost here. But I laughed and made some sort of joke and decided that I wouldn't mind going out on a date with Mr. Guarded Illumination at all; he seems quite intelligent, he's an artist, he's funny, he has these amazing huge warm eyes you can go swimming in, and I like the way he listens intently. But I do have to wonder - what's up with the Abar (not its real name) boys asking me out? My Little Vidipookikins said I'm not allowed to go out with anyone else employed here, because its a place we like to frequent far too often.

I think it must be the librarian looking glasses perched precariously and quite dorkily on the end of my nose. That and my amazing ability to spill whatever I'm eating or drinking right down the front of my shirt. Nothing sexier.